Journeys & Transitions

Thanksgiving aplenty!!

2007-05-22T22:38:00.000+08:00

Indeed, it's been ages since I last blogged. For the longest time ever, I had problems with my PC. So until it was thoroughly overhauled, I had no functioning home PC from which I could log in to check my e-mails, blog etc. Felt rather cut off from the world and realised I had become fairly reliant on the Net.

Anyway, the first thanksgiving is with regard to a new kid I've been blessed with looking after in Sunday school. W joined the Sunday school group that I am currently teaching, and I quite liked him. He's a good kid, and I've 'staked' my claim on him as my sheep. Looked forward to seeing him and teaching him about the values and stuff in the Bible, as he is keen on it. He has been a real blessing too, in that he actively engages his unsaved cousins to attend church with him, and he will speak to his parents about God etc. Praise God!!!

On another note, I've also been extremely blessed. Just started work at my new workplace in a foreign bank yesterday. Amazed, humbled and awed at how God has moved in my career. Sometime around end March / early April 2007, I was in the regular office fellowship group meetings with my brothers and sisters. We were praying and worshipping, and I got a prompting to 'move on'. Wasn't quite sure if it was from my own desires, or from the Holy Spirit, so decided to sit tight and do nothing about it. I was praying to God, that if this is indeed from Him, He will open the way. I won't have to write in to any bank to apply etc. Previously when we had a major gathering of the various fellowship groups in the CBD, I noticed that my current workplace was not represented, and I did wonder if God is calling me to go there to connect with the believers and non-believers alike, and link them to the various office fellowship groups in the CBD.

Anyway, that same weekend, saw a job advertisement in the papers for a role that, at one glance, I knew I could perform and I had this assurance that the role was mine. But I resisted from writing in to apply, as I wanted to be fully sure that it's not from my desires. Somehow, this head hunter whom I have known since my days in Credit Suisse called me and spoke to me about the role. So my profile was presented to the hiring manager (now my new boss) and I went for the interview, sat through a few tests, and got the offer at a fairly decent wage. Everything fell into place so seamlessly that it had to be from Him. Tendered my resignation, and then I went to Hong Kong for a holiday. Previous boss had asked me to reconsider my resignation, so out of respect, I did. In Hong Kong, I received a call from a HK recruiter who wanted to place me in a similar role and in a similar capacity, except that this was for the HK office of my new bank. So this was the 'sign' I had been waiting for. Totally wanted to claim Jeremiah 29:11. Indeed, God is an amazing God.

Further to this, I had a health 'scare'. Spoke to my previous boss about it, and she mentioned that I'd do better to stay on since I was already a confirmed staff member there, and they'd no issues if I have to go for medical check-ups and appointments. Told a few people, and when I realised that this was simply a ploy by the evil one that will thwart God's glory and His plans, the health 'scare' went away immediately.

Even at my new workplace, the portfolio I have been given and tasked with is exactly the one I would have gotten if I had stayed on at my previous bank, which is a portfolio I really wanted as I am more inclined towards it. Thank God!!

Praise the Lord!!! Sing with me, How Great is our God......

Woeful loss

2007-02-12T21:40:00.000+08:00

This morning, while I was packing my bag getting ready to go to work, I started 'rummaging' for my Bible - the oh-so-reliable and compact one that I lug around with me for easy access and reference to God's word while commuting to work. After some frantic searching, I still could not locate it. With a heavy heart, I set off for work.

The night before, I had returned home from a run and did some last-minute 'spring cleaning' of my study desk. In the midst of doing so, I junked quite a lot of mails that were piling up. I had also emptied another bag of its contents. Perhaps I had unwittingly swept up the Bible and placed it amongst the pile of rubbish that was scattered on the floor.

Work today was a torture.......all I could think of was my Bible. I had no mood to work, and was depressed and irritable. Weird as it sounds, I am rather attached to my Bibles. I have, or rather had, 3 Bibles, each of which holds a certain amount of significance. The first one was given to me by a friend when he had finished his stint in the army, which is currently in my office drawer. Another one was given to me by my cell group when I took up the walk with God. The compact one that I lost was actually bought by myself and in it, there were all the little cards and verses of encouragement, as well as assorted mementos. I can easily get another Bible, but it's the highlighted verses and bookmarks and cards that were amassed in this compact Bible that made it heart-rending. All these are items that cannot be replaced. My mom was concerned in that she thought a Bible costs a lot, but when I told her it's all these that cannot be replaced that she also understood the loss.

I totally felt lost without it - my trusty Bible. Although I don't quite know how and where I actually misplaced it, but I am pretty certain that my Bible is lost for good, and that I won't be able to recover it, and the items in it.

Revelations

2007-01-27T21:44:00.000+08:00

This week, the Lord has been giving me quite a fair bit of revelations. On Monday, the few of us who are Christians in the department got together with my big boss (who happens to be a strong and devout Christian herself) and we shared freely. The intention was to have in place some form of office ministry. Just a few weeks back, the Lord impressed upon me during service that it's high time my other colleagues (who happen also to be my friends from the same Youth Net in my church) and I try to kickstart an office fellowship. Talked to Q and apparently he felt the same thing. Then on Friday, we visited other people during lunch - fellow Christians who are experienced in setting up office fellowship ministries, and the sharing was fruitful, and gave plenty of food for thought.

For the longest time ever, I did wonder why God placed me in banks. Back at the foreign investment bank I started my career in, I felt rather 'alone' in that I seemed to stick out like a sore thumb, since there weren't that many Christian colleagues around. I was pretty certain that God placed me in my current bank for a reason, and now these are all sinking into place.

On Thursday, while eating lunch and reading the Book of Proverbs (Proverbs 28), the intern I was supposed to mentor, K, came over and asked me about Christianity. I was totally ill-prepared for this, so decided to share with him about my walk, and how I finally came to acknowledge and accept Him. Three-quarter through my sharing, when it came to praying in tongues, I felt a tad inadequate, and wanted to call on 'reinforcements' in the form of my church mates and colleagues, Q and A. Q was not in the immediate vicinity, and A didn't respond as she was thought I had mentioned her in passing. So it was all left to me. K did remark that they were not around, and he seemed totally receptive to want to find out more.

I did the best I could, which wasn't too bad, and shared with him what 'tongues' entailed and the whole gamut of it all. Surprisingly, it wasn't as hard as I had thought it to be. When I talked to A after the whole episode, she told me she was praying for us, K and I, while I was sharing.

Now that I reflect, truly it's all by His grace that I was given a chance to share with K, and that it didn't turn out to be negative. I pretty much left it open, as in I did not want to come across as being too pushy, and scare him off by being overly enthusiastic and invite him to church immediately. All in His timing.....and even if I was not the one who finally brought K to accept Him, I am comforted in that at least I know I did play a small part, no matter how tiny that may have been.

An even bigger revelation was that I was placed here for a reason, and that until I distinctly hear Him telling me to move on, I should stick around. The pursuit of material items can cause us to be myopic and neglect the bigger purpose. I also realise that things are starting to 'click' finally, so I should focus on that, and not feed the hunger to move because I feel I can command more pay, but at the risk of longer hours etc.

2007 - New Year, New Cheer, New Victory

2007-01-08T23:08:00.000+08:00

I'll be the first to admit, albeit sheepishly, that the new year came and went, and along with it, one of my new year resolutions. As much as I had resolved to 'curb' my temper, I had a 'spectacular' outburst in office sometime last week, all simply because I 'jumped' too fast. That over and done with, some wise person was really right, in that most of the time, it's how one reacts to a situation that determines how the said situation will turn out. I shall strive to remain controlled in all situations, so as to not 'stoke' my temper.

Among the resolutions is also one in which I want to be a better steward of His resources that He has blessed me with, and to be more grounded in my walk. Where my spiritual walk is concerned, I realised the impact yesterday during church service.....

As usual, it was a Sunday morning - the very first one for 2007. So I had moved up with my boys to the P4 Sunday school classes, which are structured along homogeneous lines, with male leaders looking after boys, and female leaders looking after girls. We were supposed to introduce ourselves to the kids, and since I was taking the whole group I had last year, I didn't specifically see a need to have to beat around the bush at introduction. So I just went in front to the stage, said my name....and went like, "Ok, all my boys....you know who you are, please stand up while I call out your names."

What really warmed the heart was the moment I said 'please stand up', the entire lot of them stood up together in unison, with these huge grins across their faces. I was counting them (had 4 new ones, one of whom I had specifically requested for) and realised I had 1 boy missing. So I was like, er where's N? And the boy jumped up for joy and ran forward. Apparently, he was concerned that he would not be in my group, and dared not come out with the others.......

Some time later, it was during Youth Service that I was praying and responding to a worship song, that I felt totally humbled by the whole experience and it really touched me. The part when they all stood up together collectively with these grins on their faces (ok cheeky or otherwise, it does not matter) was an affirmation of sorts to me - that my efforts in their lives mean something, and they know I care about each of them. The idea of them being my 'spiritual sons' had never been fully cemented until yesterday, and the responsibility to watch over the spiritual walk of 11 boys aged 10 is huge, and it's such a blessing.

The humbling process was when I realised, 1 year ago, I would never have imagined that I would find myself in such a position, that I can actually serve the boys and love them and that I have established a rapport with them. So now the onus is on me, to get my act together, and ensure my spiritual walk is steadfast, seeing as it is that it is no small honour. Totally humbled and awed by it.

Christmas...Oh Joyous Night

2006-12-25T20:41:00.000+08:00

Prior to Christmas, I had spent a glorious week in Bali....soaking in the sun and getting all red like a lobster. The weather there was HOT!!! I was drenched in perspiration wherever I went, and felt really dehydrated despite drinking large quantities of water like a camel. The entire experience was good, though slightly marred by the fact that we were swindled twice by money changers. Like what Ben said, shame on you if you fool me once, but shame on me if you fool me twice.

However, the trip was enough to re-charge my batteries for work. I even went direct to the office from the airport. And this was to tie up work issues before the party atmosphere of Christmas descended upon us. And indeed, what a Christmas this has been.

2006 will always be remembered as the year that Christmas came early for me. I had earnestly 'appealed' to the pastors in charge of the kids ministry at my church for a boy to be placed into my group when they move up into P4 next year. My prayers were answered.......my request was granted. I was prepared that the appeal will not be successful, but lo and behold, it came to pass. I was totally delighted with the latest arrangement. I was also rather stunned when I got Christmas presents from the boys. It's heart-warming to know that my efforts with them have not been in vain, and that I have managed to 'win' them over. It's not so much the monetary value of the gift, but the thought that counts, cliched and trite as this may sound.

And the countdown to 2007 begins....12 days of Christmas?

Contiki Bali

2006-12-20T11:07:00.000+08:00

Today's the third and second last day of my trip to Bali. This trip was good...but of course laced with the undertone of some frustration. How so? The naivete in me chose to believe in the honesty of people here. Frankly, with their ready smiles and seeming friendliness, it seemed to bode well for a vacation.

Well, the truth is, we got conned by the 'sleazy' money changers here. Although we had watched them like hawks while they were changing our cash, when we recount the money back in the room, we always end up short. Some expert sleight of hand they must have practiced. This really marred the enjoyment of the trip here. Had I known earlier that all items here can be paid in the domestic currency of rupiah, I would have brought all in rupiah, rather than the greenbeck.

Heading back home tomorrow. Oh well.

Thanksgiving

2006-12-08T22:10:00.000+08:00

I know, the title of this entry sounds way too late, as in the American tradition of Thanksgiving took place a few weeks ago. Here in the li'l red dot of an island I call home, Thanksgiving is not a holiday that is celebrated.

Anyway, this entry had more to do with giving thanks to God. 2 - 3 weeks ago, I was prompted to undertake a fast, as I hungered for a spiritual breakthrough among the boys I was teaching in Sunday school. One of them, J, is no longer 'averse' about going for Encounter - a church camp conducted over the course of the weekend for believers to be ingrained with the word of God and to experience Him. Meanwhile, I had also prayed while fasting that L will get into Anglo-Chinese School (ACS) for the Gifted Education Programme (GEP). Previously I had prayed that he'd be able to get into the GEP. This time around, it was to pray he'd land a place in ACS. I was convicted that God would answer my prayers. But when I heard L got posted to another school with the GEP programme instead, I was disappointed but thought perhaps He has better plans.

Then last week, L's mom rang me in the middle of the day while I was in the office. L told me himself that he had managed to succeed in his appeal to ACS. Praise God!!! I was ecstatic and totally elated for him.

On another note, this week had been a struggle......work wise. Struggling to submit to a manager whom I was reporting to. Why? She had seemed supportive of my request to switch portfolio at work, but yet she is not releasing me to the new portfolio. Her reason? My replacement has yet to report for work. I was disappointed with her, and things got to a head when she swept into the office on Thursday and called for a team meeting (with my ex-team) and told us off. I felt the things she said were uncalled for, and really felt so pissed off with her that I made it clear and obvious to her. Somehow I realise I have lost all respect for her. In my fury, I even wanted to go talk to HR about it. But I resisted, and decided that I can choose to be professional about it although I have lost all respect for her. God placed people above us for a reason, and I know there is a lesson to be learnt in this trial.

Hanging in there, and trying to be edifying in my actions and thoughts...

Fasting.....

2006-11-19T22:21:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I had a chat with one of the pastors for the kids ministry, and she told me Encounters (a camp tailored to 'teach' young / new Christians about the Christian walk and faith) for the kids aged 10 - 12 are tailored somewhat differently, and the impact can be felt by the kids themselves. I am rather excited about the prospects, seeing as it is that I think it'll benefit the boys more when they go for the Encounter tailored for a deeper understanding.

I was at service today, and felt a prompting to undertake a fast for the boys under my care, so that each of them will be better able to experience and understand God's love for them, starting with getting them to actually look forward to going for Encounters.

Had a 'vision' of sorts, so I am pondering how best I can go about undertaking this fast. When I prayed over the kind of fast to undertake, I was 'told' that it is to be lunch. Initially rather hesitant as lunch is typically the only meal in the day that I eat a full meal in the course of the day. Most times I skip either breakfast or dinner, so this was a 'huge' sacrifice for me. The only recourse I have is to ensure I get a proper and heavy breakfast, while eating a bit for dinner. The only thing is, whenever I undertake any form of fasting, it's usually for myself and my prayers. This time around, I am doing this for the boys.

Even I cannot quite fathom out the exact reason why I am doing this fast. I just know I have to do it, with the faith that I will get to see some breakthroughs in the lives of my boys. Oh well....for how long, I have no idea.....let's hope this doesn't last too long.

How Great Thou Art

2006-11-11T22:35:00.000+08:00

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

* Chorus:
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

* Chorus

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

* Chorus

God's hands in all circumstances

2006-11-07T22:51:00.000+08:00

On Sunday, one of my boys (Lloyd) came up to me and quietly thanked me for praying for him. Initially, I was caught off-guard, as I was not sure which aspect of the prayers he was talking about, until he mentioned that he had managed to get into the Gifted Education Programme (GEP). I was absolutely delighted for him, and was convinced he'll be able to make it into AC (Anglo-Chinese). Then after Sunday classes were over, I remarked to them that I intend to have only boys from the AC schools in my group next year, and he looked a bit bothered after that. So I asked him if anything was wrong, and he was like, "What if I don't get into AC?"

I was stunned cos I had no idea he was mulling over this, so I reassured him that he'll be in my group next year unless he prefers to go to another group. Then on Monday, as I was gearing myself up to get into the swing of another dreary and ho-hum work week, my cell phone rang. Lloyd's mom had called, and I wondered if I had done something wrong or something. I was pleasantly surprised when she thanked me also for keeping Lloyd in prayers. The parents knew I had been praying for Lloyd, and wanted to thank me. Such appreciative parents....and I told them it was the least I could do. She affirmed me and told me I love and care for him the way a spiritual father does for his sons, and that I am different from his previous Sunday school teachers.

That was a mind-blowing affirmation from the parents. It makes everything worth it.....that they trust me enough and know that I care for the boys enough. Now I know why God called me to serve the children. I am learning, slowly but surely to see His hands in every aspect of my life, and especially the young little sheep I am guiding every Sunday. They have changed for the good in so many ways, for which indeed can only be accomplished by Him alone.

Time to 're-Balance'

2006-10-22T21:35:00.000+08:00

This week had been a 'happening' week of sorts. Had a health scare and went for a thorough cardiac check. Given the all-clear by the cardiologist, although I still get the "ant-bite" sensation around the heart area, and numbness down my arms. My pastor told me to steer clear of the muscle relaxants I've been taking. And on hindsight, the last time my hands trembled, I was also on muscle relaxants. Only difference then was that the dosage is doubled this time. So I am making an effort to steer clear of such drugs, sleeping pills included.

On another note, my cell leader lent me a book he had borrowed from his aunt. Written by another believer, it warned of the consequences of yoga poses. All along, I had been an avid attendee of the Body Balance classes at my gym simply because I was drawn to the 'New Age' mantra that it helps one to relax. Only when I read the book, did I realise the 'harm' I've been inflicting on my own spiritual walk. Body Balance is a combination of tai-chi, Pilates and yoga. And after reading that book, I am fully convinced and convicted. Need to do big-time business with Him over this....He did not die for me just for me to execute some New-Agey 'baby cobra' poses that supposedly makes me more flexible while insiduously doing serious damage to my spiritual walk.

Down-to-earth Contentment

2006-10-05T21:16:00.000+08:00

I sat down for a good talk with my parents, and told them about my disappointments etc. I have always known that my parents had, have and will always be supportive of me. It's just that I cannot seem to bring myself to be fully open to them somehow even when I was growing up. I still remember how, at the age of 14, that my dad had told me it's his wish that I regard him more as a friend, than mere disciplinarian dad per se. That took me by surprise then, and I had given him a look of incredulity. Somehow there was this blocked mindset that my dad will always be my dad, and that it's not possible to regard him as a friend. Now on hindsight, at the ripe old age of 27 (my dad is 55), I realise I must have really hurt him when I was unable to open up to him. Hardly surprising that my younger brother and my dad are closer. When I look at how stoically he had stood by me in my moments of depression and how he believed in me enough to let me make my mistakes and yet be there for me, I can say with utter conviction that, yes, my dad loves me and it's his love for me that, time and again, has been a source of strength and support. I can be vulnerable to my Heavenly Father, and it's time I take that step towards my own dad.

Also realise that I am surrounded by guys who are very much down-to-earth and contented with their lot in life. My pastors, my closest friends and of course, my dad. When he told me how he had given up the chance to be the regional manager in an MNC because the role would require him to travel 3 weeks in a month, I wonder if I would have been able to pass up on that opportunity if it had been me. God must have surrounded me with so many guys to show me I don't have to be so hung up about achievements and ensuring I finish at the top of the heap in the corporate rat race. My dad told me I should not focus on the material aspects of success, as that can be my downfall. So did my pastors. Even my best friend remarked a while ago that I sometimes have no compassion. So it's time to change all these. I recognise it is perfectly all right to be down-to-earth and contented, rather than being cosmopolitan and materialistic.

I also want to be make my parents proud of me, and in the event that I do get married one day, I will make certain I thank my dad in front of everybody that without him, I would not be who and what I am, and that he is a fantastic role model of a man who knows what is truly important (family and contentment) and is not afraid to take a firm stand in that. That is the one thing I want to grow in, and that I believe is the reason why I am surrounded by so many guys (pastors and close friends) who are down-to-earth and contented.

From the Inside Out - Hillsongs

2006-10-04T23:32:00.000+08:00

A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again, still I am caught in Your Grace.
Everlasting, Your Light will shine when all else fades.
Never ending, Your Glory goes beyond all fame.

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give You control,
Consume me from the inside out, Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Your Will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing You praise
Everlasting, Your Light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your Glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out

Weary and Bummed Out

2006-10-04T23:10:00.000+08:00

Recent spate of events gave me some cause to re-think some stuff. I've had quite a few panic attacks, wherein I felt I was suffocating, and when I Googled 'panic attacks', turns out depression was one of the symptoms. I've never been the most positive and optimistic of people, and somehow I always tend to think of the worst outcome, and anything that turns out better than that would be construed as a blessing. Warped huh?

I talked to my Ah Kong, and realised that the cause of my depression was simply because I base my self-worth and value on my career and achievements. In my current place, my boss and team-mates are fantastic but the organisation is a different cup of tea. What a vast difference a year makes. 1 year back, I was this eager beaver, but now I have become more sceptical. Perhaps my outspoken attitude does not sit down with quite a few senior people in my organisation, as they prefer the subservient kind. So anyway, felt a tad short-changed when my entire team was overlooked for the mid-year appraisal. There was a colleague who got promoted, as I felt I deserve it. So this is where the mindset change has to come in. I should not view my career as a means to an end, and the be all and end all of everything.

I know all these and more, but somehow my mind cannot quite reconcile them together. Talked to a friend and was advised to share with my parents about my issues, so I did tell my mom (dad was asleep already). Amazingly, I felt relieved. I've never been one to openly share my struggles with my parents, and I usually only turn to them out of sheer desperation because I have never wanted to disappoint or fail them. But they have always been understanding. My mom told me to share with my dad, and she was concerned. I also told her that if I cannot 'tahan' it any longer, I might just serve my notice.

Even my boss knows I am unhappy. She did ask if I was ok when I asked to take leave yesterday, and called me today at work (she's on leave today) to ask after me, and told me we will have a chat soon. She did mention I will get my dues and what I deserve, and she has spoken to my big boss...but sceptical me somehow cannot see that unless it's in black and white.

So now I have to work on rewiring my thought process, and not take it so personally. It's a job that He has given me, so I will just do what I can, and not focus on the material aspects of it. This is hard to change, but I have to, for my own good and sanity. So 4 words.....Thinking, Testing, Transforming and Testimony.....will bear that in mind and make tomorrow a brand new chapter at work.

Horrendous ENGLISH

2006-09-24T22:28:00.000+08:00

I had just ended an MSN chat session with one of my most 'riotous' friends from my junior college days who is currently teaching English and Literature at a snooty girl's school. For obvious reasons, the said snooty girls' school will not be identified.

Anyway, my friend was regaling me with tales of glaring grammatical mistakes made by her students, some of which I reproduce below in its entirety.

"You can either choose to spread your legs and walk about in a guided tram or monorail ride."

"Well, we would usually take bus or Massive Rapid Transport (MRT)."

"The same goes for the Bird Park except that there are birds and not animals."

I figured the first sentence is a write-up about the Zoo, and the second is about the subway system known as the Mass Rapid Transit (MRT) here. Obviously, the third is about the Bird Park. Hmm, imagine how William Shakespeare would react if he read this? The Bard himself would absolutely turn in his grave knowing that students of such quality are actually doing his masterpieces for English Literature.

Hmmm, I believe my friend will be a good humourist if she were to compile all these rubbish from her students into a book. I solemnly promise to be her numero uno fan.

Goes to show all that 'snooty' rubbish coming from them is more 'form' than 'substance'. Enough said.

Ha ha.....

=)

2006-09-24T20:53:00.000+08:00

These are 2 of my fave pics...the first one is a picture taken with all the boys (without much monkeying around) and the second one, well, I just like it.

Next Sunday, there'll be a mega 'Carnival' at my church......and I have been roped in to contribute to 'Promise Land'. I can foresee it'll be a tiring day, as there are (tentatively) 8 sessions scheduled. But for God, for the kids and their families, consider it done. As much as I anticipate it, the preparatory build-up to it requires heavy duty prayers......so I must hunker down in praying, and lean on Him for strength. But of course, I will also ensure there is a steady source of Coca-Cola to prep me up....others depend on coffee for their caffeine source....my poison's Coca-Cola, though I daresay I am not sure what exactly is the caffeine content in Coca-Cola.

Time keeper

2006-09-21T21:44:00.000+08:00

Lately, I've been rather 'on-the-ball' in the sense that the moment the clock strikes 6.30 pm, I would pack up my work and go home. Actually, I am using the term 'pack up' extremely liberally. My workstation is absolutely cluttered with papers. Amazing how I manage to find my documents in there, though like I always like to tell my colleagues, it's 'organised chaos'.

Simple but pathetic excuse. Figured that since we are due to 'move office' again, no point in packing up everything nicely. On hindsight, I think I am gearing myself up for when I finally sign up and take a professional qualification. By ensuring I knock off promptly at 6.30 pm daily (or at most I stretch it to 7 pm), it's become a habit. However, I daresay I am not inclined to stay back late recently (in fact loathe it, unless I absolutely have to). This has caused me to think if my dedication to my work has tapered off, and I have 'lost steam' and become burnt out. I did a fair bit of soul-searching, and reached this conclusion. There's more to life than work. I am certain I do not want to 'drop dead' at my workstation. No doubt hard work never killed anyone, but there are other more important things in life.

Work-life balance.....A 'trendy' term that is being tossed around, many a time flippantly. I have made up my mind to embrace that. Rationally speaking, I have a whole lifetime ahead of me in which to work, and taking time to 'smell the roses' or even to laze around at home watching DVDs, hanging out with friends over a cuppa or even browse about in the bookshops add some element of sanity into the hectic lifestyles we are all leading. Any more Zen-like, I'll probably pack myself off to some place and muck around.

Why on earth did I ever try to find fulfillment in work is something that unnerves me when I think about it these days. To work, and while I am at it, try (no matter how difficult it gets) to build up God's kingdom (even through the boys in Sunday school) in the process is something I would like to gun for. So at the cusp of a new age, that's something I endeavour to do.

Yucks.....I turned one year older

2006-09-19T22:05:00.000+08:00

I was born xx number of years ago today. Ever since I turned 25, and started to be on the wrong side of the 20s, I decided to ignore the progressively larger numbers. Right-o. Who am I kidding?

Took leave today, and for tomorrow as well. Decided I needed time off to do some in-depth soul searching, and reflect on my life in the past year, to always count my blessings and thank God for them. Also met up with my Ah Kong (Pastor) just to update him and catch up with him.

Only by His grace could all these have happened to me. I mean, last year this time I started work in Compliance in a bank, and I can confirm with utmost certainty that this is the area I want to develop my career in (finally found my 'calling'). Wow, a year flew by just like that. I've actually served in the kids ministry for 9 months already. I daresay it was the ministry that kept me grounded, even when there were moments when I did ask God pointedly why He placed me here. I am truly blessed to have a community of good friends in church - people I have come to cherish a lot (you guys and gals know who you are, so I shall not deign to list all your names) and have become my spiritual family.....and of course, the kids....specifically the boys in my group. No prejudice against girls, but perhaps the whole homogeneous cell concept has become so entrenched in my mind that I think it's better for a female to reach out to the girls in Sunday school.

Anyway, here's a picture of the kids and I.

Simply, this entry is to remind myself of my commitment towards them. Apart from being thankful for the abundant blessings, I am also responsible for these young lives, and their walk with God. So honoured that God has trusted me enough to lead them into my lives......but therein lies a great responsibility. I have to be more mindful that my own individual walk with Him is stable and strong, so that I can be effective in ministering to them. And seeing as I have committed to moving on up with them when they go to P4 next year, they are my 'sheep', so as to speak.

=)

Me.....A Teacher? In a way....

2006-09-03T19:21:00.000+08:00

Today's Sunday School started off promising enough. I was waiting for a cab / bus to transport me to Singapore Expo. I was ruminating on whether I should take a cab or bus...anyway, the cab won. So I flagged down a cab, and it was really amazing. How so? The taxi driver (a lady by the way) asked if I was headed for some exhibition, given the Expo is usually used for exhibitions. Told her I was headed to church as I serve in the Kids ministry for Sunday school. The long and short of it was, I told her what my church is about, and what we do in Sunday school, and she was 'intrigued' enough to ask me for my mobile number and mentioned she'll give me a ring if she decides to visit next weekend with her children. Whoa......and all these happened when I was still not 'in form' (since I had not had the requisite can of coke to kick-start the Sunday).

Then went to Sunday school, and my fave kids 'showered' me with presents. Was surprised big time....one of them actually gave me a new Asterix comic book, for which I learned he had paid for half of it using his own savings. Got cookies from another one, and a magnet from the third. Touched?? Yes. All the 'heartbreak' and 'anguish' was like, worth it. Gave the first 2 kids their birthday gifts also, mugs personalised with their names that had the Biblical meaning and a Bible phrase. They liked it, and L even asked how I got it, seeing as his name is not common. L's mom also told me that the kids like me, and they are genuinely happy that I will be moving up with them.

Makes everything worth it. The onus is on me to ensure my walk with Him is right, since I am responsible also for the boys under me. Now I totally understand what it's meant to have 'sheep' under your charge, and how I cannot be self-centred and think my walk is only about my relationship with God. Now it entails other lives, the boys with whom I am entrusted to guide. After my business with Him last night, when I had text a few of my close friends to pray for me, realise indeed there's no sin so big that the salvation will be lost, unless there's renunciation of the faith involved. I am thankful for His love and gracious mercy. Ok, must endeavour to work harder to keep my walk right, as there are all these boys' lives my actions will impact on as well.

When will I ever learn???

2006-09-02T21:01:00.000+08:00

I was talking to a good friend online and she revealed that plans are underway for her husband (also a good friend of mine) and herself to work in the United States come year-end. They had mentioned it before, but that was sometime ago. Boy, how time flies. But I do wonder, why does it seem that my inner circle of friends are getting chances to work overseas one after another, while I am still stuck here? I am happy for them and all, but it's like, when will it be my turn?

Then a sobering thought hit me. Firstly, my degree is in Business Administration (ok with a Finance major) but these are like, a dime a dozen out there. It's not a professional degree in the mode of a LLB, or an Accounting paper (now wondering if I would have been better off opting to do Accounting than Business). Secondly, what with my sinus problem, I think I can *kiss* all dreams of working overseas goodbye. Why? When I was holidaying in New Zealand (rather cold then), there were 2 occasions when I practically could not breathe at all. I came back and doctor's diagnosis? Best not to go to temperate areas, as it might trigger off a major asthma attack. I was like, huh? I have never had an asthma attack before, but the long and short of it is, yeah the sinus issue can lead to a major bronchial problem in those places.

Boy, was I ever in denial over this. I mean, I studied in Melbourne, and there were days that were cold too. But guess what? I lived near campus, so there was not much chances that I could get 'exposed' to the cold for long, as it's a short totter away to and fro. *mutter mutter*

Seeing as UK, US and Australia are temperate areas, I think I can, literally, *kiss* all notions of working overseas goodbye. Hmm, perhaps having come to this realisation will give me less cause for envy and agony. But it's something that's difficult to let go, seeing as it is that it had been a long-held ambition to blaze a jet-setting career travelling all over the financial capitals of the world. Then again, with my current skill set in Compliance, it makes it harder since this is specialised and native to the country I am in. So my knowledge of the regulations and jurisdictions here will not really be useful elsewhere.

Ok, time to wrestle with Him again. And I foresee this to be a long and hard struggle. But it's good, as I need to work out quite a few other issues with Him as well.

Utter RIOT

2006-08-27T20:42:00.000+08:00

This will be kept short....apparently, my favourite columnist from the magazine 8-Days had published 2 books chronicling his exploits and fiascos with his roomies, Saffy and Amanda...

It's a certified best - seller, by the most astute book reviewer, moi....Jason Hahn rocks.....go buy his 2 books... I fully intend to get them. I was kept in stitches over the 2 books I had borrowed from my good friend.

=)

Defeatist Attitude...NOT!!!!

2006-08-27T20:07:00.000+08:00

Sunday school today...woke up as on any other Sundays, except that today was Games Day. Travelled to Singapore Expo. At the back of my mind, I was pretty certain that the games planned would not sit well with my bunch of kids. One word I am certain they will say is "LAME!!"

Well, they certainly did not disappoint. If truth be told, the games planned certainly could not sustain the bunch of kids under my charge, being the kinesthetic ones they are. A few were insistent on playing soccer, which was, naturally, frowned upon. So I decided to be firm about it....and they managed to 'pilfer' a ball from one of my friends, another leader in Sunday school.

The long and short of it was, they were 'blatantly' disobedient and what really riled me was when the 3 of them decided to have a private chat in one of the cubicles. I totally lost it and slammed the door open, and ordered the 3 of them. I cornered them, ticked the other 2 off and sent them back. As for the Indian Chief of the group, I let it rip at him. Boy, I realised I totally could not hold back my anger (had been simmering all this while).

What was frightening was that I could not control myself, and lambasted him. Think he was too scared and started to cry. Felt really lousy about it, and of course, discouraged about it....not exactly a good testimony for God, ain't I? Went for Chinese service, and got 'slain'.....without anyone supporting me from behind. So yes, I hit the floor.

Anyway, realised also it's not simply a matter of ministering to the kids on weekends. Now I understand what it means to have to ensure I walk right with Him, so that it doesn't affect the little sheep I am guarding. Let's just say I haven't been walking properly with His commandments, but did my business with Him. Will have to continue to do my business with Him until it is fully cleared....but yeah.

The team leader told me it's ok for me to move up with my current bunch of kids when they go into Primary 4 next year....need to be more prayerful about this.

Corporate Drain....

2006-08-23T22:19:00.000+08:00

The way I look at it, my days in my current bank are pretty much numbered. Why? Put it this way.....my 'suffer no fools' and straight-talking manner will probably be my undoing, if I don't watch it. Take today, for example. I had a disagreement with a HR colleague, and she must have hit on something, cos she has been with the bank for 4 years, and she's still surviving. The disagreement was 'broadcast' to the whole freaking world, cos the flurry of replies (only once on my end) was sent to quite a few people in HR and Compliance (where I am at).

And anybody worth his salt will say that HR is the last unit one would want to antagonise. But straight-talking me couldn't help it. Cos I had realised there was a mistake in the way the memo was communicated (which somehow made it seem like it was my end who had done the revision), so sent her a short and simple reply pointing out the areas that were wrong.

I do realise one thing though, if I want to 'last' longer here, maybe I ought to be less frank. I cannot possibly depict myself as a renegade, trying to revolutionise a culture that may have been so insiduously ingrained for ages. So it's either I conform to the 'ching cheong'ness of it all, or if I really cannot tolerate it, I should probably consider my options. Why can't I just get a job running a resort? Now that's an idea.....ha ha.

But on a serious note, it's really hard to be 'edifying' and emulate the compassion our Lord has for all, with the way I perceive people and things to be. Time to do big business with Him. And I wonder why is it that I am always so drained out......

Time for another vacation?

2006-08-20T20:36:00.000+08:00

What with the recent spate of vacations that my friends seem to be taking, I do wonder if it's high time for me to plan for my next vacation. Funnily enough, the trip to New Zealand in May seemed so long ago. But having said that, I also 'feel' the hole it has burnt in my pocket, and think the next trip should be a cheaper one. Don't ask me how it happened, (an uncanny coincidence) but my mother was remarking to me that it's best to stay home more these days than to go on holidays, simply because you never know when you might be the unlucky victim of a terrorist attack. I had a two-liner retort to that, but decided to hold back, lest it ends in a heated argument. I wanted to go like, 'when it's time to go Home, it's time' and then realised she is rather pantang given it's the seventh lunar month where the 'gates of Hell are opened and spirits roam the earth' in typical pagan Chinese beliefs, so decided to keep quiet.

On another note, here are some of the photos I posted online of my New Zealand trip...my faves of course....

I love that babbling brook behind me in Picture 2...apparently it was the site of a gold rush in Queenstown, New Zealand. Hmm, wonder why I did not manage to stumble across a single gold nugget when I was there. Believe you me when I say I did try my best to spot one.

Anyway, today's Sunday school was cool. Realised two of my 'fave' kids in my group were born in September, same as me. One of them had his birthday one day before me, albeit many years later....

Test of Patience and Love

2006-08-14T10:52:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder, is it just me or is He trying to show me something? Recently, I have encountered some problems with the bunch of kids under my charge at Sunday school, and admittedly, I have been somewhat discouraged. All initial enthusiasm about taking them under my charge until they get into the Youth Network of my church has dissipated. I had a chat with my pastors, and we'll see how things pan out.

But yesterday was a revelation of another sort for me. I was conducting the Sunday school session, and one of the team leaders who had sat in with me remarked that 2 of my kids have some literacy problems....and all this while, I was wondering why they are unable to read the Bible properly or even spell properly. Another 'bomb' dropped when one of the kids' mothers told me her son has 'special needs'. *Faint*.

But all these revelations have given me a better understanding of the dynamics among the kids in my group, and also understand how it is that some of them do not seem able to respond to some of the activities. Oh well, guess it's time to hunker down and really engage in some pow-wow prayers for them, now that I know their respective problems.

Thank God for revealing these to me, as I am now able to view them in a more positive and different light, as compared to the frustration I felt when they got restless and unresponsive. Big time prayers are needed to weather this. =)

The unbearable lightness of the wallet

2006-07-21T23:05:00.000+08:00

This entry is another one of those classics that I think I have to blog, just so that it'll be 'posted' for posterity.

Anyway, last Wednesday, I met up with my 'evil twin' (those of you in the know will certainly know who she is) for dinner to catch up and all. There we were having a most expensive plate of 'choy sum' and grilled sambal stingray, and we prattled on while we were eating....Of course, not with our mouths full of food (which uncivilised planet do you reckon we come from?).

Right smack in the midst of the conversation, Jacq revealed that she was eyeing this particular bag from Louis Vuitton. I did a double take and my jaw just dropped. Why? I've been ribbed mercilessly and derided (ok that was an exaggeration but you get the idea) by my friends for being 'brand conscious', especially since I own an authentic Louis Vuitton wallet. And Jacq had also ribbed me somewhat for being 'atas' (a.k.a high-browed). And there she was, mentioning she was eyeing this Louis Vuitton bag. At that moment, I had a revelation.....totally told myself that I had to blog this for posterity. Ha ha...I am not the only one who knows how to enjoy the finer things in life among my circle of church friends. But that aside, I think I am past the LV phase, I hope or it'll dent my wallet even more.

Here's to you, Jacq. Welcome to the club...ha ha

With a thankful and humble heart overflowing with gratitude

2006-06-30T22:36:00.000+08:00

Right-o....the title of this entry says it all. When I first embarked on establishing my career, fresh out of university, I had lofty ideals and ambitions. I had set my sights on a few career options - banking (by virtue of the degree I hold), broadcast journalism and even being a radio jock. That was also about the time I embarked on my Christian faith. Believe me, in retrospect, it was one amazing experience. Application letters that I had sent out were met with favourable responses, but surprisingly, one by one the doors that were opened were closed right in my face. In the end, I had to put to rest my dreams of broadcast journalism or being a hot-shot lawyer. The only option left to me then was to work in a bank. I had prayed it through, and the one affirmative answer I had received through my prayers was a career in a bank.

Not that I should be complaining, but I had felt indignant about it. Why? I had felt a banking career was simply because of my degree. And I was not too happy about having to work with numbers day in and day out. Truth be told, when I was in university, I made sure I aced my Finance, Statistics and Accounting papers. Prior to that, when told to pick our specialisation, I had picked Finance. All these had stemmed from a determination to prove that I was not, and am not, a dunce at Mathematics. My A-level grades for Mathematics were dismal and pathetic, and I figured I had to prove to myself that I am capable of handling numbers. Not being cut out for Physics and Engineering, I can deal with....however, not excelling in Mathematics was a different matter. Anyway, I managed to ace the papers, and graduated. So into my job hunt.

As I recounted the trials and tribulations I had undergone in the search of the right role-fit for me to friends who are encountering the same issue, I realised it had taken me 2.5 years to find that one area I can excel in. And now I can even understand why I was able to share so openly about my experiences with my friends....simply to encourage them and build them up.

Even then, I still had hopes of cracking into the 'elite' areas in the banking industry. The fact that private banking is 'exploding' in growth, or that risk management is the next 'IT' area contributed to my 'wanderlust'. I was entertaining notions of making a switch to these areas, just so that I can be in the 'glamourous' roles in the bank. As much as I have the gift of the gab, I am not the kind who likes to pander to others' whims and fancies, so that pretty much rules out sales jobs (and private banking is also sales to a large extent). Then with risk management, there is the issue of numeracy. I had already proven to myself that I can do Finance, but I do not really enjoy it much. The whole idea of having to face Excel spreadsheets for the rest of my career, especially when I had some exposure to it working in Financial Control in my previous role, and having to crunch numbers daily, is enough to make me cringe and shudder. In addition, I figured I will probably be mediocre in these areas, so there's really no point. So yes, I have settled on the area within the banking industry I can grow and develop a career in.....and I am going to make the best out of it.

Really thank God for His blessings in my life, career-wise. Granted it took me 2.5 years to find out the area I like, and can do well in (and not to say not getting promoted because I was hunting for that role-fit), but I am so glad I can finally say I am settling into my role in Compliance and that it is an area I can see myself in. In fact, I am going to pursue professional qualifications that will aid me in my career development. So yeah, this entry is to remind me of His blessings in my life.

Over-promised, under-delivered....YEUUCH!! Scheizer

2006-06-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

The alarm in my watch sounded at 6.30 am on a Saturday morning.....and I dragged myself out of bed to get ready to 'pump up' the economy of a neighbouring country for a trip to view 'fireflies'.

Well, en route to the gathering point, the contact lense in my left eye popped out, so I decided to be 'gung-ho' and removed the other one in my right eye. Figured I'd rather be short-sighted than to go about with vision like an one-eyed Jack. Boarded the bus and trundled along the route for my day excursion. I was beginning to feel the effects of not having near-perfect vision, and having Jacq casually mentioning the effects of Lasik surgery didn't help either.

Thank goodness the coach stopped at a shopping mall after breakfast. From the exterior, it was none too impressive. Step inside, however, and it was a different story altogether. Boutiques of mid-priced brands were lined up one after another. I made a beeline for the optician, and managed to get a pair of daily disposable contacts. With my vision restored, I thought it would be a good excursion, or so I thought.

Lunch was a miserable affair. In the itinerary, we were 'promised' seafood lunch with crab. I certainly didn't see any crab. Then we made our way to a fruit farm. Everything was ho-hum. Dinner was worse, as the 'promised' lobster dinner became crabs. Albeit crustacean, but the point is that lobsters and crabs aren't exactly in the same league.

Fireflies were quite a sight. My main grouse, and believe you me, it is so cringe-worthy, is the toilets. Really, the TANDAS is super AWANG. Tandas = toilet and Awang = smelly in Malay. In fact, smelly doesn't quite cut it. Jacq and I were cringing all over the place everytime a trip to the loo was needed. I don't even want to think about it. Compared to this, the mosaic-tiled toilet of the hotel room I had in Auckland seemed like a luxury.

The title says it all.....I think I am so not cut out for missionary work in countries without proper and clean toilets. Will probably die from holding in all the toxins unless I absolutely have to go. Ask me how I cope during my field camps in army? The muesli bars issued as part of the rations were good at 'inducing' constipation. Go figure..

Touch Kidz is R.E.A.L!!!

2006-06-19T22:23:00.000+08:00

All right, the title for the entry is a no-brainer. In fact, I should be glad I am not being sued for plagiarism or something. I 'volunteer' at the kids' ministry in my church, and it's called Touch Kidz, so there.

Now, pray tell, what gives for this entry? I was ruminating on the sequence of events that had taken place in the span of 6 months, and I am really thankful for the opportunity to serve God in an area I have a calling, or so I'd like to think. Sometime late last year, there was an altar call which I went for, wondering which ministry I could best serve Him in. So there I was, and the next thing I knew, I felt a calling to serve in the kids ministry to teach Sunday school. It so happened that I have a few good friends in the ministry then, so it made the assimilation process slightly easier.

Believe me when I say I am never one who jumps at the chance to drag myself out of bed super-duper early on Sunday. It was something Jacq mentioned that I'd slowly get used to - something I was sceptical at first, but now I am ok with it.

Through this 6-month period, it was my bunch of boisterous kids (yes they give me a splitting headache once too often at the very beginning, and I always had to yell at them) who kept me grounded. Even on occasions when I felt like changing churches, it was my sense of responsibility towards them that made me hang on and work through some of the doctrinal issues I had.

Somehow, my leaders at the kids ministry seem to think I have some 'anointing' to be hauled up on stage every once so often to participate in some play, rah-rah event etc. And funnily enough, I don't really mind. But the best bit I have to say, is that I know I really care about the bunch of boys under my charge. I see in each one of them different traits of myself when I was young (to think my group is one of the most boisterous, I shudder to think what a terror I must have been in my childhood), and even for some other boys I thought I'd have problems with, I am gradually able to really learn the meaning of loving the unlovable.....

Hmmm, now I shall start 'plotting' to see which are the ones I would like to keep with me, and which other boys I can 'poach'.....ha ha

Back to R-I-O-T!!!

2006-06-08T21:50:00.000+08:00

No sooner had I leapt off the bandwagon of swinging singles than I rejoined it in double-quick time. Come to think about it, I've always done things via the 'accelerated' route, but this was a tad too speedy even for my taste. Then again, I've never been one to shy away from 'biting the bullet' if I had to, so I called off an 'accelerated' relationship when too many issues surfaced that I felt could not be worked out.

I confess that patience has never been my strongest suit....and this utter lack of patience has landed me in hot soup once too often, which I have been 'blessed' enough to get out of unscathed. However, this episode only served to make me understand myself more, and exactly what I am looking out for. As they say, what won't kill you makes you stronger. I second that totally.

After a fair bit of soul-searching (lest some of my friends think I am an emotionless robot that had severed my connection to my heart and use mainly my head), I have come to realise that these are the traits I am looking for:

1. Christian (But of course!!)

2. Secure in her identity and in Him (very, very important!!!)

3. Independent and comfortable with giving herself and me space (very important!!)

4. Say what you mean, mean what you say

5. Not prone to using sarcasm or uncalled for diatribes in situations when I don't even know why or how she is unhappy (put it this way, I don't take kindly to "uncalled for' sarcasm)

Lest anybody think I am a narcissistic and conceited self-absorbed jerk, I so am not. It's just that this episode had reinforced in me the 5 'qualities' above that I am looking at. Certain things about the relationship that had gone awry are better left unsaid. That said, we are still friends (or so we claim). I have come to realise, if I am called to remain a singleton, then so be it - I am cool with it. Because I am secure in Him, and there are values that I will not compromise on. And I am ok....life goes on =)

Bombastic verbosity = intoxication

2006-04-23T19:48:00.000+08:00

The title for this blog entry occurred quite by chance. I was at a training session organised by my church's Sunday school ministry. If truth be told, I was a tad reluctant to go for it at first, as I felt rather strongly about having 2 consecutive Saturdays 'burnt' from 2.30 pm to 5.30 pm just to attend a training session. Rationale? Sundays are a lost cause for 'personal' time, as I practically spend the bulk of the day at church. Hence, I always cherish my Saturdays. I mean, apart from cell group meetings (which I, sheepishly admit, have not exactly been a regular attendee), the rest of the day is up to me to plan. Totally delightful.

Anyway, apart from that, I was also having some problems with my stomach.......churned a bit, and rather uncomfortable. So you can imagine, the idea of dragging my butt to go for training and sacrificing my 'ME' time was not exactly met with thunderous enthusiasm on my end. Somehow felt I had to be more selfish with my time.

I prayed for an open mind and heart, and a teachable spirit, so I decided to head down and check it out. The trainer conducting it was one of the pastors in charge of the Sunday school ministry. Kudos to Ps Linda for doing her best to engage all the participants. What floored me was when she told us not to use 'big' words when talking to the kids....so as not to get them 'intoxicated by the bombasity (sic) of our verbosity'. Whoa.....I was like, "Cool!"

I have always respected Ps Linda but this brought it to a deeper level. Come to think about it, the pastor who's the 'chief' for Sunday school ministry had previously taught at the British Council (or so I heard), my team leader for Sunday school ministry speaks eloquently and Ps Linda as well. Even my network pastor, our dear Ah Kong speaks really well too. Needless to say, I've always been tagged the 'favourite student' for my English, General Paper and English Literature classes, thanks in no small part to my command of the language (ok, I have to display some humility....Jacq will say there's too much pride at play here). Amongst other things, my teachers have told me I needed to tone down on my verbosity and preference for complex and bombastic sentences. Obviously I have not made much progress in this aspect. Put me in a room with any person who speaks clipped English and I am all systems go. Ha ha....I think I can still do a rather mean Australian twang, and go all hoity-toity...(ok not trying to be a 'poser' here).

The point I am trying to make? Somehow I have made a conscious effort to tone down the level at which I speak English, primarily cos it's hard to make myself understood when some of the people I deal with do not really speak it well. So now, whenever I meet someone who can speak well and at that level, the whole 'anal-retentive' bit about English will surface. Hmm, maybe deep down I still harbour ambitions of cutting it as a news anchor, or lawyer?

=)

Going strong....not

2006-04-17T20:46:00.000+08:00

A little blog entry to remind myself....

Easter Sunday. Went for service, and felt that there was something God wanted to tell me. The moment they flashed the scenes of Jesus' sacrifice, my eyes turned watery and to quote Lynn, the tap was spoilt. Then came altar call.

Felt a prompting to go for it, though I cannot exactly explain it. As I walked forward, I could not help but cry. The moment I knelt down at the altar, there went the tap. Bawled uncontrollably, and my pastor placed his arms around me and told me, "Son, it's ok."

That did it. Totally wrecked by sobs. I could not explain it, except that it had been a while since I totally let go and let the Holy Spirit speak to me. Upon reflection, I realised there are some areas in my life I have to work on. Since the beginning of the year, I have not 'let go and let God' in many aspects of my life. Honestly, I guard my independence fiercely. I tend to rely myself a lot, and the idea of not being in control of my own life and destiny absolutely freaks me out. I know, O ye of little faith.......

So I figured there have been quite a few situations where, in my quest to control my life, I became rather wilful and headstrong, somewhat unteachable. And it was a good time to remind me that I ought to rely on Him and not on my own strength. Even now, there's this issue that I hold close to my heart. As much as I have supposedly 'surrendered' the outcome to Him, I realise I tend to 'de-surrender' ever so often.

Need to work on this more......but still it was a good Easter. Cos I heard Him loud and clear that He still loves me, despite my headstrong wilfulness.

'Pah'-able Songs

2006-04-13T23:55:00.000+08:00

Jacqueline (Jacq) , Christine (Chris) and I met up for dinner today. It was to celebrate Chris' birthday and baptism, so it was a jolly occasion. All belated, but what matters is the thought that counts. So anyway, we went to this restaurant and ate. Man, I'm duly impressed by Jacq's ability to polish off the food. She can really pack it away. I gave up after a while, and it was not because I was being a wuss. I figured I'd better not pig out as I am still recovering from a spate of food poisoning that hit me a few days ago.

So there we were, chatting and eating, and gradually the topic veered towards worship songs and Encounters. And there and then, Jacq and I came up with a 'hits' chart of the 'Pah'-able worship songs. 'Pah'-able songs refers to *ahem* songs that can cause the listener to be so overcome or overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit that he / she usually ends up tearing or bawling like a baby.

And there we went, and managed to come up with quite a few. All worship music and songs are good, but there are always those that 'speaks' to each of us, and perhaps allows us to be vulnerable with God, and be open and let healing and deliverance take place. Quite apt considering tomorrow is Good Friday.

Good Fridays and Easter Sundays usually 'speak' loads to me, so this year should not be any different. Perhaps He has something He wants to deal with in me, and I must do business with Him. =)

Jumble Mumble

2006-04-09T21:21:00.000+08:00

Ok, a rambling of sorts, here goes.....Caught The Magic Fundoshi with an ex-colleague. Got 'caught' by another church friend whom I'd thought had cell group already after the show was over. In fact, saw quite a few people on Friday night. Anyway, the play was rather risque, in that the sexual overtures were none too 'discreet', for want of a better word. I was kicking myself inwardly for actually daring to suggest this play. I mean, I expect anything by Hossan Leong to be raucous, but seriously I had no idea this was so 'in-your-face'. I am not a prude, by any account, but to bring a girl to such a play when I was not exactly pal-ly with her smacks downright of stupidity. I wonder why I am not that consoled when she told me she was ok with it and enjoyed it. I was like, hmm...right. Why did I not research properly before suggesting to her?

On another note, today 2 of the guys in my kids ministry today came up to me and told me they did pray for me, as I requested.....so touched. BUT they prayed against the thing that I had requested them to. And like they say, kids' prayers are powerful. As much as I have let it go and let Him, I was like, errrr.......go figure. They were so gleeful about it when they told me. Serves me right for thinking it would be nice to pre-empt them so it doesn't drop like a bomb on them. One of them even deigned to remind me that "God listens to kids, cos kids' prayers are sincere." How do you beat that? He even rallied the rest to pray daily. I need to do a double or triple dose of praying to 'counter' the kids' prayers. Ha ha.

Oh, and I joined a super-duper expensive gym near my workplace. So in order to milk it for its worth, I have been going at least twice weekly. Truth is, I think I need to go daily, to just get the value I paid for. Anyway, attended this Body Balance class....really liked it. I'm aching all over, even in places I never knew I had muscles. But that's ok. Though I daresay some of the moves resemble yoga, and I am not too sure if that's agreeable by my pastor.

=)

How Could I Live

2006-03-26T21:48:00.000+08:00

How could I live without You
How would I survive
Without Your love
Without Your touch
You're the one that heals me
That cleanses my heart
And sets me free

Now I come right before You
With my hands lifted up
And my heart humbly bowed
At Your work on the Cross
As You hung there and died
You were paying the price
For my life, for my life....

For Your love is higher than the heavens
Deeper than the sea
And all I want is You in my life
No one else can satisfy my soul
Can make me feel this way
Only You Lord, only You.

His final prayer was about you...

2006-03-21T18:27:00.001+08:00

by Max Lucado

As Jesus stepped into the garden, you were in His prayers. As Jesus looked into heaven, you were in His vision. As Jesus dreamed of the day when we will be where He is, He saw you there.

His final prayer was about you. His final pain was for you. His final passion was you.

He steps into the garden, and invites Peter, James, and John to come. He tells them His soul is “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” and begins to pray.

Never has He felt so alone. What must be done, only He can do. An angel can’t do it. No angel has the power to break open hell’s gates. A man can’t do it. No man has the purity to destroy sin’s claim. No force on earth can face the force of evil and win—except God.

“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak,” Jesus confesses.

His humanity begged to be delivered from what His divinity could see. Jesus, the carpenter, implores. Jesus, the man, peers into the dark pit and begs, “Can’t there be another way?”

Did He know the answer before He asked the question? Did His human heart hope His Heavenly Father had found another way? We don’t know. But we do know He asked to get out. We do know He begged for an exit. We do know there was a time when if He could have, He would have turned His back on the whole mess and gone away.

But He couldn’t.

He couldn’t because He saw you. Right there in the middle of a world which isn’t fair. He saw you cast into a river of life you didn’t request. He saw you betrayed by those you love. He saw you with a body which gets sick and a heart which grows weak.

He saw you in your own garden of gnarled trees and sleeping friends. He saw you staring into the pit of your own failures and the mouth of your own grave.

He saw you in your Garden of Gethsemane—and He didn’t want you to be alone.

He wanted you to know that He has been there, too. He knows what it’s like to be plotted against. He knows what it’s like to be confused. He knows what it’s like to be torn between two desires. He knows what it’s like to smell the stench of Satan. And, perhaps most of all, He knows what it’s like to beg God to change his mind and to hear God say so gently, but firmly, “No.”

For that is what God says to Jesus. And Jesus accepts the answer. At some moment during that midnight hour, an angel of mercy comes over the weary body of the man in the garden. As He stands, the anguish is gone from His eyes. His fist will clench no more. His heart will fight no more.

The battle is won. You may have thought it was won on Golgotha. It wasn’t. You may have thought the sign of victory is the empty tomb. It isn’t. The final battle was won in Gethsemane. And the sign of conquest is Jesus at peace in the olive trees.

For it was in the garden that He made His decision. He would rather go to hell for you than go to heaven without you.

Warms the Heart....aww

2006-03-20T22:31:00.000+08:00

Funny how things come around. For the past few Sundays, I have been attending the Chinese service at my church. Rationale? Simple. I serve in the Kids Ministry teaching Sunday school to a group of 9-year-olds for the English service. When it ends, it's time for the Chinese service. Although I belong to the Youth Network, somehow I figured I am not into the teenybopper phase, hopping around like a Energiser bunny. Totally find it hard to relate to that. So rather than not attending service altogether, I figured Chinese service is a good one.

And people who know me will know I have a major problem with Chinese. The stuff just flies past me. But surprisingly, I was quite ministered to during the service, especially the worship. Guess when it comes to His Word, languages are not a handicap.

Anyway, this past Sunday, I was waiting with my group of kids for their parents to pick them up. A boy's mom came up to me, and told me that her son really likes me, and looks forward to and enjoys coming to Sunday school. I was like, 'oh, thank you.' And smiled at her. But really, it's moments like this that I know my 'sacrifice' is worth it. Really warms the heart.....to hear such an affirming statement from one of the kids' parents. Guess one of my key language of love is words of affirmation.

Many a time, I would be berating myself for being so foolhardy, to volunteer for Sunday school at the English service means I have to drag myself out of bed at 6.45 am every single Sunday. Believe you me, I had a major problem adjusting. Add to the fact that my church is located at the other end of the island, it would be sheer madness. But I am glad I hung in there, and gradually adjusted to it (with no small amount of help from a can of Coke to kickstart my engine).

Hmm, maybe I am really starting to get attached to the group of kids. I mean, I see various aspects of myself when I was their age in each of the boys, which makes it real easy to relate to them. They can be a handful at times, but really underneath that, they do say the most riotous things. And of course, it helps too that I really like them.

An Earnest Prayer

2006-03-18T23:17:00.000+08:00

Just 2 days ago, I came across an e-mail that was a re-take of my all-time fave poem / prayer "Footprints in the Sand". Somehow or other, this poem speaks to me big-time all the time. The new version had a more 'celebratory' tone to it (I shall not deign to re-produce it here, too lengthy).

Anyway, I was ruminating on it. Figured a good prayer for me will go along such lines:

Dear Lord,

Thank you for all the love and blessings you showered upon me. You were never far away from me at all, and even in my times of wilful rebellion, You were always there, patiently waiting for me to turn around and run back to You. Lord, I cannot thank You enough for the love you demonstrated when You chose to hang on the cross at Calvary and in one fell swoop, cleansed away my sins with Your blood.

As wilful and disobedient I have been, You continued to love me and bless me. Lord, you know my heart's desires, all of them. I commit them to You and I know You will take care of them. In times even when my mustard seed faith wavers, I know You'll be there for me, every single step of the way.

Lord, I pray for an earnestness to tune into Your frequency more. I know all things will come to pass, in Your time and not mine. Give me the strength and fortitude to wait on You, and not be impulsive in all things, as I am wont to do. I believe You have a perfect plan for me, and one that will truly be a blessing. Everything's in Your control. Amen.

Now why did I word that prayer? Those of you whom I have talked to will know there are some stuff (yes, more than one item) I am experiencing that I seriously hope will come to pass. At the same time, I must manage my expectations and hopes. So yeah, it's all over to Him now.

=)

Ivin's @ Binjai

2006-03-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

I was tossing and turning in bed, and felt a nagging sense of unease (for want of a better word) until I blogged this....so here goes.

If I didn't remember wrongly, I think a few years back, Ivin's had an outlet at Robinson Road. Ok now, Ivin's is a restaurant that serves super yummy Peranakan food that is simply divine. Anyway, I went with a friend and, to say the food was good is really not exactly doing it justice. Well, it has to be.....or why else would I remember it so many years down and try to find it again?

Recently, one of my university friends remarked there is this super nice Peranakan restaurant at Binjai Park, right smack in the middle of an estate in Bukit Timah. So I 'gallivanted' there, and lo and behold, it was Ivin's.

The food is still lip-smackingly good....boy, did I enjoy myself 'pigging out' there. I mean, for an establishment to be located in that area, the prices are rather decent. So anyway, brought 2 other friends there, on separate occasions, and they were suitably impressed with the quality of the cooking and the decent prices as well. In a way, I have managed to redeem myself, as quite a few of my friends seemed to have it in their heads that I am always eating at expensive places. As if! The kind of remuneration package that I get as a Compliance analyst does not really afford me with the luxury of eating at high-end places all the time.

Oh, and I wonder why is it that all the places with nice food are somewhat located smack in the midst of Bukit Timah neighbourhood enclaves? Like there's Ivin's, and there's also Lana Cakes. Lana Cakes is an establishment that seemed to be THE place to get your birthday cake from back in my JC days. And it's chocolate fudge cake....heavenly.

Blurred out

2006-03-11T20:41:00.000+08:00

For a few days now, I've had a 'relapse' of the flu (running nose, then blocked nose, sore throat etc) which I was suffering from a few weeks before, but never really recovered. Come to think about it, I am not surprised that I got hit again. So was groggy and all. Nonetheless, I went to meet a good friend from church, J, after work, to catch up. (By the way, this was J's suggestion that I should blog this for posterity....ha ha)

So there we were, having dinner and chatting, or what I could pass as chatting, since I guessed I must have been dreary company being slightly addled by the flu. J had earlier proclaimed she absolutely needed to have her chocolate fix, so after dinner, we adjourned to Coffee Club. Yadda yadda and time flew by. Before we know it, it was time to settle the dessert bill. Just as the waiter (and I emphasise on the masculine form of the word - as per J's 'instructions') handed me the bill to sign, he commented that the cologne / perfume I was wearing smelt nice.

Thinking that my nose problem had also caused my hearing to be 'congested', I merely asked, "Excuse me?". Thereupon the waiter repeated his comment about the perfume being nice-smelling. J and I flashed a quick look at each other, and I proceeded to settle the bill as nonchalantly as I could of course, and thanked the waiter for his 'compliments' and for the bill. The moment he left, both J and I goggled at each other and our jaws dropped. Totally floored by it. For the life of me, I could not figure out where on earth that came from. For the record, I was wearing Acqua di Gio (Homme) by Giorgio Armani (and I really like the scent too).

Just at this moment, I received an SMS from a friend who had 'out-ted' himself to me a while back and whom I have not met for a long time cos our schedules didn't allow for it. Some of the remarks made by J and I are really not meant to be put in print. Suffice to say, I was flammoxed for a while.

Is it really ok to compliment a male customer for his cologne / perfume? I think I need a double dose of healing and deliverance pronto this Sunday during service. *Sigh*

CI Boyz

2006-03-09T13:56:00.000+08:00

One of my colleagues told me about this toy shop just below my office area, so I ventured into it today after lunch. Saw this series of C.I. Boyz that I liked, and was contemplating between getting a few of them or the entire set. In the end, as much as I tried to rationalise, I ended up buying the whole set of 10 figurines, and spent a certain amount on them. Certainly feel the pain of flushing down $$$ like that...

Oh well, must try to avoid that shop.

Friends' blessings

2006-03-06T22:03:00.000+08:00

This past weekend, I was superbly blessed by quite a few friends. How so? On Friday, I met a good friend from church and we had a good time catching up and chatting. Then on Saturday, I was invited to dinner by a married couple, both of whom are my good friends. Went to their tastefully furnished abode and was treated to a nice sit-down home-cooked meal. I was really touched by the efforts they had made, and the food was really scrumptious. What can I say? Good food, good company.....sheer bliss. Had a great time catching up with W and C, and really thank God for them. They have been blessings to me in so many ways, and I am truly thankful for them. Chatted with them till quite late, and it was a tad lamentable how time flies when you are enjoying yourself. =)

Come Sunday, apart from the mad rush to church at Expo simply because I overslept, I was actually ministered to during Chinese service. If you know by now, my command of Chinese is purely touch-and-go. I find it weird that as much as I can read the words of the worship songs, the moment the pastors preach in Mandarin, quite a bit of it went over me. But nonetheless, I was really touched by His presence, so I am really thankful. Thereafter, went to meet a long-time buddy from days of yore (in JC) for a movie, and whilst wondering around thereafter, chanced on a travel exhibition. We decided to go in there just to browse around at the travel packages, and ended up plonking down some $$$ for a vacation. If you ask me, I'm way overdue for a long vacation beyond 5-hour flight radius from Singapore. So yup, booked ourselves a trip....totally looking forward to it.

Today, was blessed in another way, well sort of. My buddy called me up and asked me to go for a dinner with him, purely because it's his birthday today. As tired as I was, I went along. And I am glad I did. Caught up quite a bit on each other's lives and all. Truly, this has indeed been a rather fulfilling weekend.

Loftily away

2006-03-02T21:50:00.000+08:00

Was ruminating over a few things....and came to one conclusion - Manage Expectations. Take the issue of church, for instance. I had a good chat with my pastor, and was telling him why I really thought it was time to go to another church and all, and he calmly told me no church is perfect, or for that matter, pastor either. But the best bit was, I was totally floored by his shepherd's heart and genuine care and concern for me. He told me he'd like it very much if I go look for him whenever I need to have a heart-to-heart chat. As for spiritual mentoring, he said I could turn to him or my Ah Kong, so there....where can I find people like them? So I gave him my word that I'd stick around a bit more, and give myself and the church another chance...

Work-wise, I finally submitted a report to my boss for her perusal. Basically I had poured out blood working on it, and was quite satisfied with it. My boss read it, and told me it was a good report. Then came the disclaimer.....that this report will get a few people into trouble. I was not naive and told her I expected as much. Then she tried to prep me and told me I might have to 'amend' it a little. I was like, huh? My lofty idealism kicked in. I told her, as one of the key pillars of corporate governance in the bank, why should we pander to the business units? If they are lacking in such areas, then we should report as such. I even told her, by pandering to the business units, we are no better than 'prostitutes'. (YESH...that was the exact word I used. I had to go shoot my mouth off)

But thank God I have a rather understanding and riotous boss...she laughed when I said that. She could see where I was coming from, so she was like, "Ha...I think we are more like 'maids' than that. At least we still have our dignity". In the end, she decided there's no need to change the report completely, since we have also done a remediation programme for the said business unit. And speaking of the business unit, I have never met such incompetent morons who are relatively senior and make empty promises and expect others to patch up their turf for them. Pathetic.

In retrospect, I am really thankful I have such a patient and understanding boss. She makes it so much easier to work at my current place. Coming from a foreign bank, the culture here still takes some getting used to, and I find that a lot of things are relational, rather than task. I usually prefer a good mix of both, but somehow, everything gears more towards relational.

With my perfectionist streak and lofty ideals, I am really setting myself up for a good jolt every now and then. Perhaps I really need to learn to manage my expectations....of the circumstances, people around me etc., so that when they fall short, I won't feel so "AARRGH"! After all, God is always in control....

Choices....

2006-02-15T20:57:00.000+08:00

First off, the two books I ordered online at Amazon.com have finally arrived. This was my re-order since the first order presumably got lost in the delivery somewhere, seeing as it is that it did not reach me by the estimated delivery date. So I went to Amazon.com and registered my feedback, and they promptly shipped another order to me. Though I daresay I was furious to see my credit card bill and noted that there were 2 credits for the same amount. Sent an e-mail to Amazon.com querying the hows and whys. However, the package arrived today safely and I got an e-mail notifying that the refund for the lost order had been made. So that restored my faith in Amazon.com somewhat. Will order online again if the books I want are not in Singapore yet. Yeah, the 2 books I ordered are of the vampire fiction genre....the Noble Dead / Dhampir series (book IV) and a more comical one. Hee....

On another note, after having come to a decision, I have embarked on a bit of preliminary field intelligence. And I'm most glad to say I've short-listed a few Methodist churches I would like to visit, and if it's where He calls me to, probably sink my roots in. Faith Methodist cos it's the church tied to ACJC from days of yore, Living Waters Methodist at ACS (I) cos a long-time friend goes there, Bt Panjang Methodist cos it's near my home and Foo Chow Methodist cos one of my colleague goes there. So the moment I give 'notice', I can start visiting to see which one is more suitable for me. Another colleague invited me to visit his church too......Jubilee Presbyterian. Hmm, seems like I am choosing to go visit a denominational church, rather than a non-denominational one.......

Having said that, I have this feeling I find quite hard to describe. It's like, finally I am doing something rather than sitting there and getting frustrated by the lack of a spiritual breakthrough. I am not saying this is a definite thing, i.e. that I will really leave my current church. I still have to see where He leads me. But at the very least, I am glad I am finally doing something about it. Like they say, only I am responsible for my own spiritual walk and growth....so time to do something.

My mother did ask me, how about my friends here? She knows about B and K, and I was like, hmm. I cannot possibly expect my 2 good friends to follow along, so it's a 'do-it-alone' venture. Let's see where this leads to then....a bit psyched up and revved up for the scouting and enhanced due diligence to be done.

Faith....to go into RESET mode

2006-02-13T21:37:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year came and went....and I'm starting to realise it's nothing spectacular. Cannot quite place it, but somehow I felt a certain amount of detachment. In fact, I've been feeling so for a long time.

Lately, I've been going through the motions of life like clockwork, almost without thinking. And I know for a fact that I've kinda depleted my energy reserves. Seems to me that no matter how much I chill out at home, catching up on my DVDs or get my nightly dose of sleep, I can never be fully rested. Coupled with the fact that every Sunday, I feel totally zapped after Kids Ministry that I tend to either (a) fall asleep during church service, or (b) I'd head back home pronto after Kids Ministry, and to quote K, AWOL from Youth Service. I do wonder why and how.....somehow there doesn't seem to be any breakthroughs.

My cell leader (K) has prayed for me, and told me to "Reset". And I know there are some things I need to get right with Him. One reason why I've held on so 'tenaciously' to the kids ministry and not leave it yet is because I know that's the ministry I am supposed to serve in, and I want to do so. Another reason is cos I know the moment I leave the kids ministry, there's a high chance I will leave my current church. Once the commitment is taken away, I'll be free to explore other churches, and perhaps scout for a new spiritual home.

As would be evident by now, my spiritual walk has been flat. In fact, it has been so for a while, since sometime last July / August. The community in my current church means a lot to me, and perhaps that's the main reason why I am still hanging around. But honestly, there comes a point in time when even the community can only do so much......

Anyway, I was on my way home from my office just now, and for some inexplicable reason, decided to alight at an MRT station that's beside this church that is 'connected' with my dear alma mater. I just walked in, hoping that I could go to the main church hall to pray, and was wandering around (thank God it was opened and there were a few people around), until I came to this office thingy. I don't know what made me so bold, but I knocked on the door, introduced myself and asked the church ministry staff member if I could check in with him on some queries. He was obliging, and answered them patiently. To a certain extent, he understood my concerns, coming as he did from a non-denominational Charismatic church like me. So he invited me to visit the services, and even gave me his name card.

Somehow, I have decided that if I want to explore going to another church, it'll be a Methodist church this time. Why? I figured I ought to be quite comfortable with it, since I was from the one and only Methodist junior college in Singapore, and the style and all should be the same. In addition, since the Methodist church I ventured into was 'tied' to my junior college, all the better. So Methodist churches are a key consideration, and my uncle who's a Presbyterian, advised me to check out a Methodist church. I am pretty certain I will give my 'notice' to the pastors at my current church for the kids ministry. Then this will afford me with the time and chance to go church exploring. If anything, I even enlisted the help of my JC classmate.

Let's see where this takes me..........

It's all about PERSPECTIVE

2006-01-25T22:17:00.000+08:00

How great is our God.....indeed. He has given me so much, and I am so thankful for His overflowing blessings. Like for instance, my current job. True, there are moments when things can get to me, which happens rather often, but on the other hand, I count my blessings that I have a great boss and work with a bunch of swell colleagues I can chill out with. So yeah, decided that it ain't that bad a deal after all. I was also praying, over the weekend, to get something straightened out, and hey, He answered my prayers. So indeed, He is GREAT!!! .

On a more flippant note, one of my good friends blogged about this 'once-in-a-blue-moon' occurrence that involved me (his blog is linked to mine), and I was rather tickled by it. Anyway, the long and short of it was he holds a credit card that I've been wanting to get, but had not. So the look on his face was like, whoa.....and he promised me he'd blog about it. True enough, he did. I got down to it, cos that's the card that I figured would be useful to have. Having said that, it's high time I consolidate my cards into a few key ones, and cancel the ones I hardly ever use. There was this card, that came with a rather snobbish tagline when it was first launched. It portrayed an exclusive image, and I got hit by their campaign. However, I have come to realise that I hardly use it, so I am thinking of cancelling it. Along with another from a bank that issues you both a Visa and MasterCard at one shot. You know what? I think Citibank has it down pat where credit cards are concerned. So yeah, I'd advocate that people own at least one card from Citibank, and one from UOB. And one other for good measure.....then that should suffice and cover all ground. Ok, will embark on a credit card cancelling attempt soon...once I get down to calling the customer service hotlines. After all, why spend so much future money?? For a Finance grad, I think I need to fall back on my training more, otherwise it'll be a waste of my degree. Then again, my line of work now is geared towards regulations and what-not, and not exactly Finance per se .

Amazing Amazon

2006-01-23T21:45:00.000+08:00

For the longest time ever, I've not 'dared' to actually do an online purchase, as I was most distrustful of the credit card security and all. This has extended to Internet banking. Although I have ventured into Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com and was pretty impressed by the plethora of goods they sell, I have never really quite felt comfortable making an online purchase, or any online transaction for that matter. That was, until last night.....

This past weekend, I was trawling the major bookstores trying to find the 4th book in a series of fantasy fiction I've grown to be a fan of. This was inspired, in no small part, to the fact that I know the 4th book will be out sometime this month, and also due to this 30% discount voucher that was splashed in the papers for Borders. So I went a book-hunting at Kinokuniya and Borders on a wet and squelchy Saturday evening. The book I wanted was not in yet, and both bookstores do not have a reservation policy. Earlier in the afternoon, I had surfed the Net and know for a fact that the 'Noble Dead' series I wanted is already available. You can imagine how disappointed I was when I was told the book's not in yet and no reservations are entertained. Hence, I consoled myself by getting 2 other books. So was happily ploughing through the books and realised then that I'd set myself up, in a way. Not only was I searching for the 4th book in the 'Noble Dead' series by J.C. and Barb Hendee, I realised I was also drawn by this other book that was the second book by Andrew Fox. So now, I had to get the first book as well.

Decided to trawl Amazon.com to see if I could get both books, and lo and behold, Amazon.com carried both of them. There and then, I decided I'll make an online purchase for the 2 books...so set up my account and all, and was preparing to wait for a while. This afternoon, while at work, I received an e-mail from Amazon.com updating the status of the book, and it'd been shipped. This means I might possibly get it before Chinese New Year....YESSS!!! Was planning to use the break (since I left it too late to buy an air ticket to go travelling) to catch up on my reading, so it all falls into place nicely.

If We Hold On Together....

2006-01-18T22:10:00.000+08:00

Came back home after work, and was sorting through some items on my home workstation....there it was, staring back at me. I held the small CD in my hands, and decided to play it. As it started to play, the gentle strains of Diana Ross' 'If We Hold On Together' emitted from my speakers.

It had been a while since I had last viewed this CD, which was a 'first anniversary' memento of my first-ever department back in my previous office. The photos that were put together in the form of a slide show contained many familiar faces....former colleagues whose friendship I had come to cherish a lot. As the tune played on, it struck me how much I really missed working and having fun with them. It was at Claims (the name of my department) that I had a first-hand grasp of what it means to be working in a closely-knit team. The camaraderie, the laughter, the grumpy moods, the makan sessions, the synergy.....really amazing.

Of course, everything is transient. Nothing is permanent. The first anniversary of the formation of the department was in September 2004, which means it's more than 2 years old now. There are people who have left the bank (myself included) and though some of the others have stayed on, they are now working in different roles and functional areas. But even as the lilting strains of the song wafted out, I am glad and thankful that I was so blessed to have the opportunity to work with this group of people who, in their own ways, have each taught me something valuable. As a fresh-faced graduate then about to sink my teeth into a banking role, they have taught me a lot. Even till today, some of the skills I have acquired from the learning back then have helped me in my current role in my current bank.

To all of you guys: Ravi, Li, Veron, Noel, Estee, Jess, Afaaf, Emma, Ata, Nick, Sharon, Esther and Augustine...thank you for so many things and more. 'Twas really swell working, playing and 'pigging out' with you all. Now you have spoilt it, cos there's a 'benchmark' set in that I will 'compare' whichever team I am in with what we had back then.

But really, thank you.

Counting....

2006-01-12T21:28:00.000+08:00

New Year, new aspirations...or so it goes. The first week of the year is also the first week of the work year, and the first week had been a stretch. Was a li'l overwhelmed initially. But one thing I am slowly starting to learn is to look at things on a positive note. If there are more things to do, it actually means I have more things to learn. And on a more upbeat note, my boss realised how stretched it had been, so the workload has kind of eased off quite a bit. Whew. And I am really quite happy to go to work these days. I mean, it makes a whole lot of difference with an understanding boss who is concerned about the welfare of her team and who makes an effort to do so. Makes the whole working process more bearable, knowing you have your boss behind you.

There's this thing about New Year's resolutions that I don't really dig. But there are a few things I know I will do this year:

(1) Be more positive....look at things from a more cheerful perspective

(2) Always count my blessings and be thankful for all that He has blessed me with

(3) Focus on Him, and listen and obey Him more.

Ok that shouldn't be too far-fetched, nor too hard to accomplish either. So this is it....into 2006 we go...

Phone(s)

2005-12-26T21:50:00.000+08:00

Whoa, long Christmas weekend celebrating the miracle of the birth of our Lord......had been looking forward to a long weekend for a while, so this was welcomed.

Thursday 22nd Dec 05: *Mutter mutter*......why on earth do I always leave my present buying to the last minute? I was happily working on my report in the office, and realised, to my horror, I had forgotten to get presents for my colleagues who had been talking about exchanging gifts. So I had to rush down to the shop "The Natural Source" at Raffles Exchange, and quickly snapped up three gifts. Breathed an audible sigh of relief that it's over......the shop was packed to the brim.

Friday 23rd Dec 05: Exchanged gifts with my colleagues....and real thankful that the gifts I had 'insouciantly' picked out for them were to their tastes. *Whew*. Then realised the division I am seconded to was holding some Christmas luncheon. Considering I barely know anybody there, I decided to up it and scoot off the moment the buffet luncheon started. Went up to my department and waited for my colleagues to have lunch with my 'gang'. A colleague then asked me if I had gotten anything for my immediate boss, and I was like, *oops*. So we roped in another colleague and went to do some more super last minute shopping. Thank God we did too, cos my boss had actually prepared presents for us. Super nice of her. Thank God for such a good boss...really counting my blessings. Best piece of news, she told me my PC will be replaced with a new set next year, and I can look forward to getting it by end Jan. Apparently, she knew the problems I was facing with that conked-up machine I was using, and she had raised the issue to my big big boss, who was agreeable to sign off on the requisition. Hmm, this is turning out to be quite a good X'mas.

Sat 24th Dec 05: Went to grandparents' place for dinner. Prior to that, had to send my newly bought Nokia 6111 for servicing, cos it decided to conk up on me. I had initially planned to stay at my grandparents' for just a short while, just to 'show face', and head off for some partying. But somehow, I stayed till the end and had a good time catching up with my cousins and aunts and uncles. Only reached home at 12.30 am....hoo boy, will I ever pay the price on Christmas morning.

Sun 25th Dec 05: Alarm clock beeped at 6.30 am. Dragged my bleary self out of bed, and headed to church at.....EXPO!!! Was like, half asleep the whole time....reached EXPO and psyched myself up for the Kids Ministry....they were playing games and all. Imagine, I actually managed to doze off half-way through. Best bit, they let me be. Ha ha. So thereafter, it was a so-so wait till it's time for Youth Service. Was quite ok during service....after service, however, went 'splat' spectacularly. Totally zapped out....the can of Coke I guzzled did its magic for only that wee while. I actually turned down a chance to have dinner with my friends, deciding instead that I would head home for an early rest.

Mon 26th Dec 05: Woke up, decided it was a nice day and was thinking of collecting the phone, so I can sell it off and get another less problematic model. But the spare parts required were not ready, and Nokia Care Centre did not deign to ring me to inform me. Luckily I had the foresight to ring them up before I had made a wasted trip down. So decided to join my friends at ECP. Cycled a short while, got super irked cos the standby phone I was using was also cranking up on me, so decided to scoot to go get my replacement phone. Finally got a functioning phone, so now charging it. Shucks man, my fiasco with phones is super embarrassing. Somehow my friends think I change phones quite frequently, but it's really not my fault if the phones decide to crank up on me after 1 year.....I take good care of my stuff, but so there.

Oh well, tomorrow's the start of another work week. Looking to usher in 2006. Hopefully, things turn out well in the year ahead. Oh yeah, wedding dinner to attend on 30 Dec 05. Anybody know the going rate for a banquet dinner at Goodwood Park?

Riotous hoot

2005-12-21T21:28:00.000+08:00

Given the state of ho-humness I have been in recently, I thought I'd only post an entry in my blog when inspiration hits. And it did, today of all days. On a Wednesday night half way through a toiling week. How so?

I was dragging my feet home, and en route, went to the newstand near my office to grab a copy of the weekly entertainment rag, 8 Days. I was just flipping through the contents absent-mindedly, and came across this commentary. Why absent-minded? Trust me, you would too if you had been staring at acts, statutes and regulations the whole darn day trying to get work done on a broken-down PC that should have been made redundant eons ago. Somehow it irks me a lot although I tell myself not to sweat the small stuff. I find my work performance being compromised by that lousy machine, and as much as my boss has been telling me mine will be changed, I don't see it happening anytime soon. I find it ludicrous that a bank cannot afford to have an ancient PC system junked out and replaced with a new one...the amount of red tape involved...budgeting for 2006 blah blah....yah dah whatever...oops sorry I digressed.

Anyway, there is this columnist who chronicles his life. He paints a stark and vivid picture of his room-mates, parents and siblings and assorted number of friends. I wonder if these people are real, as in are they caricatures and exaggerated profiles of people in real life? They have such larger-than-life personalities, and seem to spout witty lines as if they do it the whole time. I mean I have friends who are dramatic and flamboyant, but they are not like that every day.....

Take this week's issue, for example. It talked about a local celebrity and whether his gym-toned body had been air-brushed. Peppered in between the article were snippets of conversations the columnist had with a friend (who veers towards an alternative orientation, partner-wise) and his room-mates. They say the darnedest things, and it was such a hoot reading the article. Fine, it's not exactly material that's thought-provoking or extols on some deep philosophical line of thought. But the light hilarity and scathing remarks were downright funny. The columnist totally rocks man....

Great Expectations

2005-12-16T21:36:00.000+08:00

For most people, as the year draws to a close, it is usually a whirl of revelry and celebration to herald in a new year of new tidings etc. It used to be this way for me too, when I was still fresh out of junior college. All those Christmas and year-end parties at friends' places, and turning up in a big bunch at countdown parties.....it sure was a riot.

However, as the years go by, somehow I tend to be rather detached about it all. Initially, I thought it was the usual jadedness - the 'been-there-done-that' syndrome. However, in the past 2 years, it has started to border on melancholy and depression. Lest I start to sound like a manic depressive, I hasten to add that I am not. My church friends (those who know me well, you know who you are....B, K, P, L, J etc) can attest to the fact that I am rather extroverted. There are times when I need to be alone to recharge and all, but by and large, I am generally rather outgoing and extroverted. As December approaches and spills over to January, I become a totally different person altogether. I start to become more withdrawn, and 'isolate' myself more and more. Sometimes, by being introspective, it is a good thing. This, however, is a different cup of tea altogether.

In recent years, around this period, I have the strongest urge to buy an air ticket, pack my bags and high-tail out of here....back to Melbourne. And it has begun to dawn on me why I am feeling so 'anti-social'. Around this period is also when my extended family starts to have gatherings - Christmas parties, Lunar New Year celebrations etc. Although this has been the tradition as far as I can recall in all my 20++ years, I have this urge to want to 'fly the coop', so as to speak. As callous and ungrateful as it sounds, I find myself being stifled and suffocated by my 'loving' extended family. Although they never verbalise it, but there is always this load of 'expectations' hanging unsaid in the air. Just simply because yours truly have the luck to be the eldest son and grandson and be super doted and favoured (fawned if you so choose) upon by doting grandparents and aunts and uncles, somehow this 'childhood favouritism' is spilling over into adulthood. There are unsaid stuff that somehow, one way or another, is expected from me. And I find that as my grandparents age, they seem to 'crave' attention even more from their grandkids.....so this has come full circle.

I get frustrated at having to pander to such things, and have pointed this out once too often to my parents. But they, seemingly of a different mindset and obviously a different generation, cannot do much also. And therein lies the issue in why I find a need for a 'time-out' and just wanting to go 'splat'. That's also why I like Melbourne so much - it is the place that truly afforded me with the independence and liberty I desire, away from the shackles of this 'extended love'. As neurotic and selfish as it sounds, I know I had a great childhood cos I am rather close to my cousins (helped in no small part by the fact that our parents always bring us down to our grandparents' place during the weekends) but now I want my space.....to do my own things, as and when I choose and please, without having to meet the 'obligations' and duties so 'expected'. Coupled with the fact that most of my extended family are pre-believers, this is no easy ride. More often than not, they are wont to think I have been brought 'astray' by my religious beliefs.

Does this mean I am not cut out to be a family man? A large part of me does want to do the 'routine' - find my special someone and settle down and all. Trust me, that is a huge 'to-do' item. At the same time, I do find myself wondering if my current 'I-Want-To-Break-Free' mindset might be a major deterrent.

But hey, at least I have now identified the reason why I have been going around like a bear with a sore head lately. So now, it's high time to ask for a change in my contrite heart......to seek Him more, and hear and discern what He wants me to learn from this......

'Pop' goes the weasel

2005-12-15T21:01:00.000+08:00

A few things to update, so here goes.......

Decided to really commit myself to the ministry He has called me to serve in, the kids' ministry in my church. It's really quite something to see the kids worship and pray, and their innocence and general obedience makes you go 'aww' (being mushy). This really reminds me of the Bible passage wherein Jesus was lavished with a warm welcome by the kids. Kids, in their innocence, probably see Him for who He is, and that is something that cynical adults like me should bear in mind.

Two of my church friends flew to Houston to work (for about 2 years or so). In the build-up to that, I was busy haranguing people for photos and stuff they would like to contribute so that a scrapbook could be done for them to chronicle the times we had with them and all. Finally handed over the scrapbook to them with all our contributions, and Z broke down. I am so glad they liked it....could tell they were rather touched by it.

On another note, I am currently nursing a bad bout of flu. I knew it was a 'pending' case of flu, as the symptoms had been 'appearing' and ebbing for a while. It irritated me so much to the extent that I was like, 'come on, hit me with your best shot. Get it over and done with'. But alas nothing happened for a while, until after I had handed over the scrapbook. Then it hit me with the kind of brute strength that keeled me over (exaggerating). So anyway, I was out of action from work for 2 days, and today the kindly doctor offered to give me another day's MC. Me being the conscientious workaholic that I am, I turned it down as I have already piles of items to clear and it's stacking up.

So now, it's a case of being fatigued......by the bout of illness and the subsequent medication I have to pop, as well as, spiritually. Kinda feels like I've dried up my spiritual well of reserves, and think it's high time I seek a fresh anointing and top it up again. For the past few weeks, I have been soldiering on cos there were events, one after another, that I felt I had to clear. Finally, I can go 'splat'. There are quite a few issues I need to grapple with, and it all looks super overwhelming at this point in time. Nonetheless, what little mustard seed of faith I have left in me tells me I can weather this as He is with me. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to know another Christian brother in the work place. For a moment, I thought the bank I am currently in is swamped with mature Christians, and there are not that many around my age range (well, on the wrong side of 20s anyway). I have to say, though, his mindset and values are rather 'radical' in some ways. We were chatting (over a short break) and we shared some general stuff, and I was pretty intrigued to hear his views, which I am pretty sure would have raised some eyebrows at my church. But nonetheless, I am thankful, for the moment, to have another believing friend in the workplace - makes for a less lonely Christian walk, et tu?

Complete??

2005-11-29T20:46:00.000+08:00

Been down in the doldrums for a while until recently, so did not feel as inclined to update my blog. There was a MAJOR issue bugging me for a long while, and I had to struggle with it a lot. As much as I know the 'right' thing to do, I didn't want it to be something I did out of doctrination, but rather out of personal conviction. So for the longest time ever, I did not want to face the dreary prospects. But I finally did, and am convicted now, so it's for the best.

Why is this post titled 'Complete'? Hmm, it's the name of a worship song I personally quite like, and this was the song chosen by a couple who are my good friends for their wedding over the weekend. The build-up to the wedding was a fluster and flurry of activities......but on the actual day itself, to see my friend the bride walk down the aisle looking resplendent in her floral applique wedding gown, and the look of happiness on my friend the groom's face....everything was worth it. Priceless. I was quite wound up over it, cos I was afraid I would oversleep on the day itself, so I had actually trained my body clock to wake up at 6.30 am every morning 1.5 weeks before the wedding. So now I am trying to wind it down to the more 'humane' hour of 7.45 am on weekdays for work - a task I am trying to succeed in.

Being the best man to the groom was an utterly memorable experience. To actually play a role in the wedding of 2 of my good friends is something I truly cherish. Admittedly there were some little kinks here and there that had to be ironed out, but everything went rather smoothly. Of course, there were the moments of laughter too, when the bride's 'sisters' made the groom's 'brothers' play some games and all....the sheer 'humiliation' of it all. But hey, all in the name of good fun. And to know that the bride has a demure side to her that we all seldom see, that kinda takes the cake (*pssst* all you people out there who know the bride, don't tell her I said this...she'll so kill me).

=)

The wrong side of 20s

2005-10-15T22:24:00.000+08:00

Ok, I'm officially on the wrong side of the prime 20s. Been three weeks odd since I cleared that threshold. Amazing how fast the years zip by once we are no longer 'minors' in the eyes of the common law. This 'phenomenon' is exacerbated when one has completed varsity education and embarked on one's career - the years practically flash by. Well, to add salt to injury, what exactly do I have to show for me crossing that threshold into the wrong side of my 20s? NOTHING!!! Lamentable huh? .

Interestingly, I dropped by my Friendster account a few days back just for the lark of it. Sometime ago, it was so hot......kinda like the Six Degrees of Separation thingy a few years ago. As fads go, the initial brouhaha fizzled out for me. So I was looking through my contacts, and I realised quite a few of them have already settled down (blissfully attached or married). Guess we are at that 'marriageable' age.

Been in my new bank for a while, and I daresay it's been all right thus far. My peers in my department are a great bunch of people......when we get together for meals, it's practically a riot. I am so glad I have managed to settle in rather comfortably, thank God for His blessings.

Realised my older colleagues have a penchant to 'suss' out partners for me. Somehow, when they realise I am a swinging single, they seemed to take it upon themselves to 'bounce' suggestions off me on who would be a good consideration. And not only my colleagues, friends from days of yore in secondary school and my cousins are also jumping into the thick of it. And this 'matchmaking' notion seems to be the flavour of the season.....even my church pastors are
'concocting' plans for the singles in the group. Nice to know one has such a strong support group of people who care about one's singlehood. I mean, apart from the fact that it seems funny at times, but the underlying genuine concern is rather touching. All together now, awww.....

Oh well, enough of my meanderings. Till the next time then.....

Back to You

2005-09-03T23:42:00.000+08:00

The past few weeks have been a rather trying period for me....I shall deign to expound on how it was so at a later time. The first thing I must do is to examine things in retrospect and glean the li'l lessons I can from the ups and downs.....

But most importantly, I felt that the 'storms' I have undergone ( in the kind of 'what won't kill you makes you stronger' mode ) have made me realise one key truth. Realisation hit me as I was listening to my MP3 selection in my iPod Shuffle. How apt are the lyrics to Bryan Adams' song 'Back To You'.....

I've been down, I've been beat
I've been so tired that I could not speak
I've been so lost that I could not see
I wanted things that were out of reach
Then I found You and You helped me through
And You showed me what to do
That's why I am coming back to You...

*Like a star that guides a ship across the ocean
That's how Your love can take me home back to You
And if I wish upon a star, that someday I'll be where You are,
I know that day is coming soon
Yeah I'm coming back to You.*

You've been alone but You did not show it
You've been in pain when I did not know it
You let me do what I needed to, You were there when I needed You
Mighta let You down, mighta messed You round
But ya never changed your point of view
That's why I am coming back to You

Repeat *

Interesting how this song reflected the gamut of 'emotions' I felt towards God. Indeed, great is His faithfulness, which can be rather humbling.

Laughter....the best medicine

2005-08-19T23:51:00.000+08:00

Been down in the dumps lately (and still am, I guess)....to the extent that I have started to become more withdrawn. Just don't really feel like being sociable. Anyway, one of my friends asked me if I was keen to watch a local comedy performance at the theatre. I decided to go along with it, just for the lark of it.

Well, what can I say? The Dim Sum Dollies, or in their Bollywood incarnation known as the Muruku Maidens or Chapati Chickpeas, were a hoot, to say the least. The routine was a blast, with good musical numbers, and the jokes were witty. Albeit there were sexual innuendos which came fast and furious, the jokes were delivered with subtlety and had 'punch'. There was nothing risque or crass about the sexual punchlines. Fine, I can come clean now.... I am a 'closet' fan of Selena Tan. Think this is my second Dim Sum Dollies show.

Selena Tan was herself a trained legal eagle, and Pam Oei, a trained architect. Emma Yong is brainy too, given that she won the Angus Ross prize for best A-level English Literature script. Yet, they are so fuelled by their passion for theatre to give up professional jobs to give it their all. That's saying quite a lot, given the achievement culture and corporate rat race most Singaporeans are embroiled in. Kinda makes me wonder if I actually dare to take such a big leap of faith for my passion. Hmmm.....

Oh yes, bumped into quite a few old school friends, from secondary school to junior college alike. Well, I daresay all of us have good taste. Ha ha.

On my way back home, I decided to stroll down the flyover linking the Esplanade theatre to the Raffles Place area. Saw the nice full moon's beams shimmering in the waters, and brought me back to Redang. Nice place, with its beautiful sunrises, and breath-taking nights. Memories...they certainly stirred something within me, but oh well....

Rain

2005-07-25T22:08:00.000+08:00

Rain, rain on my face....saw the sky was overcast with cumulo-nimbus clouds, and decided to go pound the sidewalk. It has indeed been a while since I had last walked or ran in the rain, and the feeling was something beyond description. The rain pelting on my face, with music blaring into my ears from my reliable iPod Shuffle....the feeling's awesome.

Felt so clear-headed thereafter. Usually I go to run cos there are issues bothering me, and I need to get them out of my mind. So with the run and rain, was rather clear-headed enough. Strangely, this is quite therapeutic......hmm, wonder if that's why spas have this 'rainshower' treatment thing.....

=)

Literary Musings

2005-07-18T20:43:00.000+08:00

Ok, so I have completed the Half-Blood Prince, as well as the vampire hunting fiction written by the Hendees. So what's next? I was musing through my mental list of literary works I had wanted to undertake since eons ago, and realise I had veered off-course. Been focusing too much on contemporary fiction and literature, so perhaps it's high time I go back to my list.

Strangely enough, the list of literary works I had wanted to embark on (or perhaps add to my home 'library') tend to veer towards the old-school and classics. First on the list would have to be Ovid's Metamorphoses, followed by Chaucer, and thereafter literature penned by the Bronte sisters, Oscar Wilde and W Somerset Maugham. Hmmm, perhaps I should really have read English Literature at the 'A' Levels....Then there is the most widely published book of all time, in every different language and versions imaginable, the Bible.

My pastor made a remark, which was pretty thought-provoking. If I could spend one day speeding through The Order of The Phoenix, and two spaced out days speeding through The Half-Blood Prince, it'd be good if I could devote that same tenacity and 'hunger' to plough through the Word of God. Admittedly, as much as I can endeavour to do so (and even enlist the help of those daily devotionals with specific chapters of the Bible to read through so it can be done in one year), I run out of steam even before one week is up. So I think I should also embark on my Bible readings devoutly.

That aside, I think I have more or less set the pace for my list of "to-complete must reads" for the time being. Aside from the classics listed above, I also fully intend to immerse myself in my pursuit of Van Helsing, Garfield and Asterix comics. I have a feeling I will end up buying the Van Helsing and Asterix ones. Poor piggy bank.....will have to bust it soon so I can 'feed' my literary wants.

Demented and Potty

2005-07-17T20:43:00.000+08:00

For those of you in the know, the heading is a pun taken from the Harry Potter books. Yes, I have succumbed to the 'heady' buzz surrounding the series, and have been an avid fan ever since. Imagine, I actually went through the first 4 books 23 times each, cos I was so hooked by the pen of J K Rowling. Got my copy of the Half-Blood Prince yesterday (its launch date). So I holed myself up over this weekend and cancelled most social activities to hole myself up at home to finish reading the book. Ahh, the lengths I would go to.....

But strangely enough, as I devoured the penultimate book in the series, I found myself starting to lose the enthusiasm and fervour I had for the entire series. Perhaps it's just me, but the heady mix of magic, fantasy (witchcraft) and with some 'hidden' values like familial ties, loyalty and friendship were what drawn me to it (for the first 3 books at least - loved Quidditch). However, from the 4th book onwards, as it veered more towards the darker side of things and issues, the books became 'heavier'. The Half-Blood Prince was depressing, and in all honesty, somehow the underlying current of good triumphing over evil was no longer there. Yeah, Harry Potter has to grow older, and deal with issues such as teenage angst and loves (that was pretty interesting), but it got progressively darker. Somehow, I find myself at a stage where I am no longer under its spell, and I would like to read the final book just so I can complete the series, and not with so much fervour anymore. It's been too many years....

On another note, this weekend had indeed been one with quite a bit of revelations for me. I was most reluctant to turn up for prayer meeting, as I had felt that I went there merely to fall in line with the requirements, and did not really have the heart to do so. Albeit I turned up with a somewhat grudging heart (I could think of other things I would like to do then - continuing to plough through the Half-Blood Prince being one of them), He really dealt with me during the prayer meeting. Subsequently, when I went for a Bible class today, He also dealt with me there when I had least expected it. I really need to process this through, as I figured I had become so reliant on my 'head' after I had embarked on my career at the bank I was in, to the extent that I had become so rational and had subdued the compassionate and relational aspect of things.

Oh well....

Same Old Brand New (Us???)

2005-07-14T11:13:00.000+08:00

Since I've tendered my resignation, I've blissfully stayed at home and been busy catching up on movies I'd previously missed or refused to pay the exorbitant ticket prices to watch at the local cinemas. Thank goodness for DVDs and VCDs...

Went on a whirl of big-time socialising to catch up and meet up with long-time friends, people whom I (sadly enough to admit but it's true) have not had the time to meet up with as much as I'd like to due to the constraints and demands of work. Now that I am free from the shackles of such long hours (at least for the time being), I've packed my days to the brim. Varsity friends, and even friends from days of yore (yeah, it's the very first line of the school song from my beloved alma mater), it was certainly good to have caught up with them. Chip away at the veneer of 'professionalism' each of us had grown to adopt (in part due to the competition and pressures of work), and the same old riotous natures will surface. It had been a hoot, to say the least. These groups of people are the very ones I have spent the most bit of my student days 'rioting' and 'crapping' with. It was heartening to know the friendships forged have remained steadfast as before, perhaps slightly bogged down by the demands and constraints of work. Beneath it all, however, the same 'gungho spirit' remain. Shared jokes and pranks played on one another....truly good to reminisce over those times. Man, I've known them for almost a decade (my JC pals) and half a decade (varsity friends)....how time flies.

Of course, some of us had been more 'prosperous' than others, and there were those who have transmogrified to become immaculately coiffured and made up, as compared to the 'sloppy' chilled-out student culture then......the changes have been none too subtle. What I really dig is how 'barriers' come crashing down when old friends meet....you revert to the same wacky person you were, which is a side that would not have seen the light of day in our respective workplaces.

On another note, I am totally gearing up to put a screeching halt to all social events from Saturday 16 July onwards for as many days as I need (perhaps just 2) for me to devour the latest Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince. Yes, I know, I have been sucked into the commercialism behind it, and have made my pre-orders (3 copies - the others being for my younger cousins). There was a feature to whet our appetitite in the local papers today. Hmmm, think I have never even been so excited about convocation or anything else. Harry Potter just triggers that off in me. Oh, and another series of vampire hunting fiction by J.C. and Barb Hendee is also on my recommended list of must-reads. Yes, you've guessed it. Apart from socialising, catching up on DVDs and shows (no lengthy OTT Korean melodramatic soaps for me), I've also been devouring literature. Hmmm, this hobby of buying books needs to be curtailed (cannot help it, the local libraries don't have extra copies).

Till the next Harry Potter book is over......hold your breath....

Anchor, Berth, Harbour & Shelter

2005-07-12T22:08:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, B remarked recently that I've not been updating my blog, and it hit me that it's indeed been a while since I last made an entry.

So much has happened in the span of 2 months. Once again, I find myself at another crossroads in my life, seemingly at a juncture that is so familiar and yet so different.

1.5 years ago, I was barely fresh out of university, and had quitted my first job cos I came to a conclusion that trade financing was not my cup of tea. Thereafter, I plunged headlong into a career in investment banking......it was here that I found myself being exposed to a lot of learning experiences, and it was also here that I was given so many opportunities for which I am truly grateful for.

On the flip side, I have been surviving on muscle relaxants, painkillers and sleeping pills for 2 -3 months already, and it was at this point I realised I needed to bite the bullet, and do something about it. Job stress, wrong role fit etc......but my previous role in the investment bank had, in a way, triggered off something that I cannot quite seem to contain. My health was spiralling, so I decided to tender my resignation and take a step back to look at things in perspective.

It was one decision that was very painful for me, cos all this while I had been so 'proud' of the fact that I was working in an investment bank. But when it came to the crunch, I had to do it, and these past 2 weeks had been a roller-coaster.

Just as I had left the bank, a few of my other good friends joined. My former boss had told me that a job is just a job, and that anytime I want to go back, I could just touch base with her. Truly thankful for such nice bosses, indeed. Coincidentally, there were quite a few other people I know who had tendered their resignations from their respective organisations, so there was 'company'. So I find myself adrift in the turbulent seas again, tossing about in the waves like a buoy, trying to ascertain which direction I should head in.

There is also this other issue I was grappling with.......K was really understanding about it, and it was him who had inspired this entry's title, cos he had prayed for me using them. I have been a tad rebellious, and that streak in me surfaced again recently. J has also decided to leave the church we are in.....

Hmmm, truly turbulent times indeed. Even as I 'recuperate' and try to ascertain my career direction, there were other issues I had to deal with. No wonder half the time, my face had the 'pissed-off' look. There were many friends in church who were concerned, and asked after me. This outpouring of concern is something I truly appreciate, and though I have not said so to them, really appreciate and thankful for them (you know who you are). Bobbing along in the currents of life, and trying to live it without being snowed under...yet at the same time, I also acknowledge that He is the highest, and His plans for me will always be for the best, though I may not understand why and how at that juncture.......like A had told me, chin up. Indeed I will, cos even A's encouragement was something like a ray of sunshine amidst a field of gloom.

To relinquish Control

2005-05-08T15:50:00.000+08:00

I've come to realise I have been relying on my blog to document issues in my life, somewhat akin to keeping an online diary. Last weekend, I was at a dive trip to Redang Island off the coast of Trengganu in Peninsula Malaysia (went there with 2 friends from church / cell group). In essence, I didn't really dive much, but was more into snorkelling and playing bridge with new-found friends I got to know along the trip.

Anyway, was ruminating on life (tend to be a bit more reflective when I am on vacations) and figured that my keen sense of wanderlust has much to do with my innate desire to get away from it all here, to just lead a carefree existence doing what I would like to do best....in essence, a bummer (or at least to me). I mean, how many people get to be paid wages doing what they love with enough to get by? Indeed, their worries might stem from other issues I won't know about, but to work and chill at a beach resort, that's bliss.....everyday's a vacation.

On another note, I am also aware of the abundance of God's blessings in my life. Like I had mentioned previously, I had changed division to another part of the investment bank I am in, and within 3 weeks in my new capacity, one of my big bosses decided to recommend and put me up for another transfer to another department within the division, this time doing work that is a tad more specialised. Apart from which, I got a call from a 'head-hunter' in Hong Kong, enquiring if I was keen to 'jump' to another investment bank. I was totally stunned by how fast things move, and the fact that I was being considered as a potential candidate to be 'head-hunted' and being put up for another transfer..... Exactly how he got my office number, I have no idea. Nah dah...zilch. But the fact remains that I can see for myself how all these would have been impossible if not for God's abundance and blessings in my life. Then again, yet why do I feel like I really want to get away from it all, to bum around?

Perhaps it's discontentment, which can eat away at your soul, so as to speak. It might even be a suppressed cry for help, I don't know. Why help? In the pressure cooker society we live in, whereby everybody is always chasing after some paper qualification or another, or planning how to climb up the corporate ladder, it makes for a very stressful existence. Sometimes, I think it would do me good to be able to live life on my own terms and conditions, kinda laissez-faire.

Neurotic musings aside, I amit there is a very steep learning curve in my current latest role, something I feel I am pressurising myself to undertake and perform within the shortest time-frame possible to the best of my capability. Now, that's a tall order, I think.....and I suppose I am putting undue pressure on myself.

Hmmm, guess it's time to hunker down and relinquish control over this aspect of my life to Him, so I can do my utmost for His highest....

Chugging along

2005-04-24T11:27:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, it seemed to me that it had been eons since I last made an entry in my blog. Been 'skiving' off blogging as I felt I should not be wearing my emotions on my sleeves...be more stoic and 'nonchalant'.

Anyway, have been in my division for 3 weeeks, and I daresay I am enjoying every single minute of it. It's a new learning ground, and I thank God for His grace and mercies, for blessing me with nice managers and colleagues. Somehow, I find the onus is on me to pick up the work demands fast, which is what I've been trying to do, and I daresay I have succeeded fairly. Over here, it is indeed 'quieter'.....there are moments when people joke around and laugh out loud, but by and large, these are not the norm. All of us seemed to be engrossed in getting our work done, and are focused on it. Comparatively, my old department was more rambunctious, and hardly a week went by without some riotous laughter over some issues. It was more 'lively' and vibrant there. But having said that, since it was my choice to request for a transfer to a new division (which, incidentally, is more aligned with my career goals and direction), I can deal with the more 'serious' environment. Oh, and it helps to know I have been knocking off work, on average, at about 7.30 pm (SST) these days and I do not have to slog such long hours as in the past. Sometimes, having that 'block' of free time on my hands can be quite unsettling, cos I've been conditioned to working till late at night, go home, shower and sleep. Nonetheless, having said that, it is a welcoming change and respite.

Like I mentioned, I've been in my new role for 3 weeks. How time flies. In the build-up to the week prior to my 'move', I was busy trying to clear whatever I could in my old role, so I won't leave behind too much outstanding items for my old team mates. Suffice to say there were some issues I felt really strongly about, but since it's over, let it be bygones (my friends will know what I am talking about) or so I am trying to do.

Last Saturday, went shopping with two friends for dive gear. Cost me an arm and a leg to get my wet suit, dive bag, booties and fins. Hmmm, seems like I am into it seriously too. Oh boy, you could practically hear my heart drop right into the depths of wherever when I saw the total amount I had racked up. Although it didn't burn a major hole in my pocket, it was heart-rending nonetheless. Now I totally understand how and what one of my other friends meant when she remarked that diving is an expensive hobby. Truly unimaginable, the lengths I would go to. I am so looking forward to my dive trip coming up over the Labour Day long weekend.

Hopefully, this time around, I will get to see more than sea cucumbers, or poisonous star fishes. That was what I saw in my 'maiden' dive, sometime in September 2004. I was just remarking to my male friend whom I'm going with (aside from another female friend) not to save me if I were to encounter difficulties. Hmm, what gives for the morbid thoughts? I cannot quite pinpoint it, except to say that if I were to go Home at this juncture in my life, I'd have no problems with it. Everything's fine, save for one...my lamentable 'singlehood' status.

That is, like, an understatement. I've come to terms with some issues regarding this aspect that I was grappling with over the course of the past few weeks. And yeah, it amazes me how I can make myself step back and view things from a more detached perspective...helps me to align my mindset and see things clearer.

The crux of this: I've really learnt to let go and let God. There is no denying that I still feel something for A, but by truly being able to let go and let Him, I think I have helped myself, by ensuring I can better deal with it. Like what they always say, He who is in me is bigger than all things around me, and He is so magnificent in His tender mercies and gracious love that I know I can entrust my life fully into His hands, and let Him. Jehovah Jireh, El Shaddai, Jehovah Shammah....you name it, He's all these and more....more than enough for me.

Arrgh!!

2005-03-29T22:32:00.000+08:00

Tis been a good 2 weeks plus since I last rambled....so decided to spend some time to do so today. For the first time in my life, tried making coffee today (yeah I know, at the ripe old age of 25 to venture into the unknown) and topped it off with loads of chocolate powder. Being the non-coffee drinker that I am, I am not certain if that's a mocha or something else totally. Tried it without any sugar or milk, and I daresay I can live with it, though I hasten to add, my all-time favourite 'caffeine-laced' drink is still chamomile tea. Hmmm, chamomile tea is supposed to be relaxing, so that may not have caffeine in it at all.

Anyway, I digressed. Seemingly right I titled the blog entry 'arrgh'....it's a silent cry of frustration, irritation and angst over many aspects of my life. Professionally, I am undergoing training to ease into my new function, and as much as I want to take a breather and get out of the country for a while, I cannot. I was so tempted to just book any air ticket online for the next flight out to Australia this weekend, but realise I don't have a valid tourist visa to Australia. Bummer......and it takes some time to get the application approved, so by then I would have moved into my new job role, and there goes any hopes of a vacation that I badly need. Too wound up and tensed with the workload, I guess.

As for emotionally, well, I am running the gamut of emotions pertaining to some issues I am facing. I had been rationalising them so well, that somehow the rationalisation has failed me spectacularly this time round, and it is surfacing in all manners. Sheesh, as much as I pray for the 'feelings' to go away, this is one prayer I realise is seemingly futile. Not certain if I am setting myself up for a trip to tumble, but no matter how I guard myself, it seems to come to nought. Some of my friends even told me it is exciting....oh well, perhaps I am not conditioned for that kind of undue excitement. As important as I know it is to guard myself, I am flailing (and failing) spectacularly....somewhat akin to a dolphin that has its sonar system messed up and ended up beaching itself.

Apart from which, I am trying my darnest to cope and I am doing so-so. Thank God I have a circle of friends to rein me in, but sometimes there are only so many things they can do. Come to think about it, an air ticket to Frankfurt will do fine too. Can go Europe backpacking to get a grip on myself. But oh well, just a dream and enough musings. Have to come crashing back to the harsh realities of the world and my bum is not cushioned for it. Yeah, I know. Pardon my wry and pathetic attempt to joke.... =(

Mmmbopp

2005-03-13T11:17:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, seems like I have a penchant for short headings in each blog entry. How did my week go? Basically I went through the week like a zombie. Work is an incessant end of fire-fighting - not only do I have to manage the increase in volume at my end, but I have to help another team fight their fires as well. The absolute worst bit was when my manager dropped a 'bombshell' on me during a team meeting on Thursday.....my transfer to the new division I was so looking forward to had to be delayed by a week. I would have been fine with it had the reason been I need to help out my team tide over the volume, but the reason was because there's a new colleague whose employment pass had yet to be cleared, and he's to go to the other team we're helping. Totally different function and all.

Boy, did I ever see red. It was a tough act trying to keep my face neutral, while I was fuming away inside. I tend to be one who wears his emotions on his sleeves sometimes, but one thing I can never seem to hide is when I am pissed off and furious about something. It hovers around like a black 'cumulo-nimbus' thundercloud, ready to unleash its force onto the world.

I came out of the meeting, furious and simply pissed off. I could not even trust myself to speak, lest I blurt out something I should not even say. So there I was, black-faced on a Thursday, and dejected. Team morale had been somewhat low already, and I am starting to work the kind of crazy hours again, and now this. To compound things further, I cannot clear the leave I brought forward from last year because manpower a tad's tight.

The only light I see in the horizon was that I got my official transfer document signed, and the date's 11 Apr. When I finally had it, I was jumping up and down in joy on Friday. A colleague from the other team asked why was mine pushed to 11 Apr, instead of 1 Apr as initially thought. My retort was that I am not allowed to transfer cos the new guy in her team is not here, and as much as I kept it neutral and said it in a nonchalant and nondescript manner, the subtlety of my delivery was understated. The underlying message was loud and clear, and I believe my colleague got my meaning. But since I did not direct it at anybody in particular, it's ok.

Just up till a while ago, I was approaching the transfer with mixed feelings, but now I daresay I am totally looking forward to it. In fact, I cannot wait to transfer. It's an exciting event to look forward to......

Tripping and tumbling

2005-03-06T20:21:00.000+08:00

Well, first off, I was on-leave from Wednesday till Friday, so the past work week had been a super short one...yippee!!! The first 2 days of my leave were basically spent running around Singapore (sort of) like a mad hatter, in a bid to update my personal documents with my baptism name. So was up to my neck in these errands, and spent the better part of Friday speeding through the DVD series from HBO, Band of Brothers (which B had so kindly lent to me since last Christmas). Yesh, I am ashamed to admit that it took me this long to finish watching the entire series.

Also went for my church's Sanctification Week, and there was the Tabernacle as well. The Sanctification Week was so-so. As for the Tabernacle, I dragged my sleepy self out of bed at 6.15 am on Saturday morning to traipse down to my church for it. Apart from some initial glitches, as in yours truly almost dozed off at one of the 'stations' and was interrupted in the midst of the final lap by a stomachache, the entire thing went off ok. Yeah, I know it sounds crappy, but I also cannot quite understand how on earth my stomach could have acted up at the very last lap. Hmmm, should have had the foresight like B to do whatever I had to ensure the entire experience was uninterrupted.

But hey, for all that there is, I was given 2 verses during the Tabernacle, which was affirmed by the pastor during service later, so it ain't all that bad after all.

Today went into Johor Bahru with three other brothers, and was good fun hanging out with them. Watched Million $ Baby there, and it sure was heavy stuff. Came home and decided to flip through some professional course information I had retrieved.

Tomorrow's the start of another crazy work month (not 'allowed' to clear any more leave as I'll be transferring to the new division soon). Hopefully, I will have my new appointment letter ready to be signed and collected, and I also need to check with the HR on some other issues. Let's see what else I can blog on next...

Identity Crisis

2005-03-02T21:17:00.000+08:00

Tis been a while since I last blogged, and in all honesty, didn't think there was anything that interesting to update about my life anyway.

On Sunday, visited A's church. Twas a refreshing change from the usual 'energetic' service I am used to at my church. Hers actually had a programme order, and I understand this is the norm for most 'old school' churches. The worship experience also consisted of hymns, vis-a-vis the contemporary gospel songs we sing at mine. It was a small and homely church, where everybody kind of knows everyone else, or at least recognise each other. So you can guess that, in my first trip to 'look-see', there were many people who actually noticed this 'newcomer'. When the preacher called for 'newcomers' to stand up so the entire congregation can welcome them, I sat rooted in the pew, and told A I was not going to stand up, though there were quite a few pairs of eyes on me. I have never been comfortable being the centre of attention in a church, as loud and boisterous as I may be at times. Thereafter, there was supposed to be a Bible study session, but I went off first. It's been a long time since I woke up so early on a Sunday morning to go to church. Thus far, I have always attended the Saturday services at my church, primarily because I doubt I can drag myself out of bed in time to go for Sunday morning service.

A did remark to me that she had hoped I would stand up, so as to encourage her church friends to bring their friends to church as well. Hmmm....

On another note, work wise, I realise it seemed a futile attempt on my end to try to 'quash' the news from travelling around that I am transferring to another division within the investment bank I am in. Seems like all the managers know about it, and I've only told 3 other colleagues, two of whom are in the new division I am in, and one had already left the bank. Apparently, the managers will all be updated during their weekly meetings about any manpower movements, so they will know. Slipped my mind, duh!!! I had actually fretted over the magnitude of the spread of the news, as I was trying to control something essentially beyond my control circle.

Went to update my identity card and passport today with my baptism name. The amount of bureaucratic red tape I had to wade through really put me off, and made me realise how right one of my church pastors was, when I had consulted him about the 2 job offers I had concurrently one year ago, one being from my current organisation and another from a government agency. He implied that I am the kind who will be stifled by red tape, and will get highly agitated and put off. On hindsight, I realise the wisdom of his observations of me and his advice.

Why did I name this entry 'identity crisis'? Well, firstly there is the whole church issue in relating to the church vision and all, and secondly there is the name change. I am really thankful and appreciative of the fact that I have built up and established my base in my church, and I think I really need to go seek Him in relating myself to the vision laid down by the church leaders. Till the next time......

Hustle & bustle

2005-02-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

Finally back in the thick of things. Decided to upgrade my home PC to a 'snazzier' system, so went to get it done with my younger brother two Sundays ago. Happily got it set up, then was 'horrified' to learn that the dial-up modem I had been using previously was incompatible with the new system, so had no access to the Internet at all, until today that is.

Ok, so over the course of the 2 weeks, CNY (Chinese New Year) came and went.

One of my good friends, B, went back to Malaysia to celebrate it with his family. I daresay he enjoyed it a lot, and that is something I 'envy' him for. It may all have to do with physical proximity and distance. My entire extended family is in Singapore, and when you see them more than once a year, the novelty is lost. In retrospect, I didn't really miss my extended family all that much when I was studying in Melbourne. I did miss my immediate family members a bit once in a while, but that's as far as it goes.

Ok, I digressed. One of the reasons I decided to go back to volunteer to cover for my colleague had to do with the fact that I was keen to avoid the barrage of interrogative questions from 'well-meaning' relatives about my singlehood. If anything, I think it is downright irritating. And they will also ask about your work, and the sheer superficiality of it all just gets to me.

The past week or so was really fire-fighting, as volumes had gone up across my entire department, and we had to help another team, while struggling to cope with our own workload. Many a times, I felt as though we were being overloaded and snowed under.

One piece of good news I had this week was that my application for the transfer to another division was approved and cleared. I'll be moving to the new division on 1 April 2005.

Hmmm, 1 April holds a lot of significance to me. How so? 1 April 2004 was the day I started work in the investment bank I am in now, and this year's 1 April will see me moving on to another department, so that makes it extra significant.

Really thank God for that, and awed by His grace and blessings in my life.

So I daresay I am looking forward to the changes in my career.....till the next time....

Caught in a whirl

2005-02-06T11:14:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, in retrospect, this week has been a plethora of events happening one after another, somewhat akin to being caught in a whirlpool. What with the Lunar New Year festivities fast approaching, it's been a mad rush. Yet there are moments when I try to detach myself from the whirl of activities and question the sanity of it all. If anything, I find myself becoming less attached to the concept of Lunar New Year, as compared to the past, and if I had my way, I would have taken a vacation somewhere. Cannot quite explain it, but I do not really look forward to it, cos it's the same routine year in, year out. This radical change of mindset has actually led me to 'volunteer' to cover for my colleague who is on vacation, so yes I'll be working on the 2 days of the Lunar New Year. Why? It'll relieve some of the boredom I get with the Lunar New Year brouhaha - cannot quite relate to it these days.

Work-wise, I've applied for an internal transfer to another division within the investment bank I am currently working in, and I've gone through the necessary channels and interviews, so it's now a season of waiting for the outcome of the internal interview process, which I strongly believe will only be made know after the Lunar New Year holidays. So all I can do now is to hunker down in prayers, and hope that everything turns out fine, although I dare say I must, at the same time, manage my expectations and not get my hopes up too high, lest they be dashed. I am really thankful that my senior colleagues, team leader and manager are supportive of my decision to apply for the internal transfer, cos they know full well that's where I am planning to head, as far as career goals and directions are concerned.

In addition, there's this bit of 'cross-training' going on, which is adding on to my current workload. Frankly, it does not help that the monthly peak period is approaching, and when that happens, the hours I work are sheer madness. Add to that the work I have to do as part of the 'cross-training' process, I can only hope that I won't get overloaded. Initially, I was cool and totally ok with the idea of helping out during my monthly 'lull' periods, but when I realised it has been added on to the daily workload, I cannot but feel a tad agitated about it. Now, I am just shrugging it off and resigned to it.

That's why this week has been a week of moulding for me - one to mould my patience and faith. Patience in a lot of areas, and that faith that whatever I am put through, He will make a way. Many a times, I have to remind myself and keep myself in check not to try to be an 'upstart' before God, and simply let go and let Him. A simple phrase 'let go and let God', but in reality, it's something really difficult to practise and embody. But hey, I am learning and I take heart in that. Likewise, where the issue concerning A, I've let go as well. Let's see where God leads.

This week's sermon was part one of the series titled 'Lord of the Rings' - Fixing the Foundation of Marriage. With Valentine's Day looming, think it's rather apt. I invited a colleague to the sermon, and I am really glad she came. Glad also that she found the sermon enjoyable, and I believe the message did sink in. On a more whimsical note, yes, this Valentine's Day I will be spending it alone again (for the umpteenth time) and this can be a bit depressing. Somehow, the commercialism of Valentine's Day has managed to ensnare me insiduously in its stifling vines, and for the singles out there, I guess there're many collective sighs........Coupled with the fact that the sisters in my cell group are getting attached one after another (or in my terms, dropping off like flies), the single brothers have to band around. I am glad I have a bunch of close single brothers around still.

Ok, pardon my musings.....getting a wee too self-indulgent. Now I am just waiting for my younger brother to get home from his driving, so we can head down to Sim Lim to source for a new home PC. Yes, I have not used my Apple iPOD Shuffle yet (still in mint condition) as my current home PC is screwed and any possible malfunctions it can have, it has.....=P

Shuffl(e)ing Along

2005-01-29T10:53:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, I daresay this week has been an exciting and fun-filled week. First off, I have finally gotten my hands on the new Apple iPOD Shuffle. This flash-based MP3 player-cum-thumb drive is something I have been hankering after ever since the papers reported its launch sometime earlier this January. If truth be told, I've been 'lusting' big time after an Apple iPOD for the longest time ever, and was wondering which kind soul among my friends would be generous enough to present me with one. Alas, to no avail. Not that I could not afford to buy one myself, but it was just a hope. Sometime last year, I had bought an iPOD Mini from Harvey Norman, but decided to return it for a Canon IXUS digicam (5 megapixels) instead. Something was not quite right with the battery of the iPOD Mini I had bought then, and though the salesperson was kind enough to offer to exchange it for a new set, I decided against it. Primarily because my home PC is still operating on Windows 98, and I did not know I cannot load iTunes on anything less than Windows 2000, or so the operating manual said. Coupled with the fact that my CD-ROM drive has died, there was seriously no point having an iPOD Mini which I cannot use.

Anyway, forward to the present......could not resist the sleek design of the iPOD Shuffle, so off I headed to the Apple Store at Funan with 2 colleagues during lunch on Thursday to buy it. I was like a kid in a candy store in the Apple Store - the Apple products galore and the the different ranges of iPODs set my pulse racing. So we decided to go for lunch and discuss it through to ensure we don't buy on impulse and subsequently suffer from post-purchase dissonance. After much discussion during lunch, we went back to the store and decided to go for it. Two of us bought the 1 GB iPOD Shuffle that day, so that made two happy and satisfied Apple customers. So now, I need to get a new home PC set pronto, which I need urgently. Apart from loading the iTunes software, I need it to get some research work done for personal and work purposes.

It has dawned on me that as crazy as I am over gadgets (being the typical guy) like cell phones, MP3 and what-not (decided against a Palm Pilot though I'd wanted one eons ago), I am also one who goes more for style over substance in gadgets. Of course the items must have a certain level of 'substance' but at the end of the day, comparing two gadgets with similar specifications, the one that has panache in its packaging and styling wins hands down in capturing my heart. Having said that, the creative people at Apple are really good, with their grasp of marketing and design capabilities.

Ok, enough gushing about my iPOD Shuffle. On to more serious and note-worthy issues. This week had been an amazing week, work wise. The investment bank I am working in announced the perfomance bonuses and I am very satisfied with what I got. Having said that, I am also really thankful to be working in the investment bank I am in, for the team colleagues and my superiors. It is truly a blessing to be where I am now, and I know none of this would have been possible without the gracious mercy of God.

For some time, I have always wondered what it meant when my pastors preach about placing God at the centre of your life, and things will fall into place. I can see that now, and as much as I have no intentions to be preachy and evangelistic, I am truly awed by His wondrous love. It's been one year since I got myself baptised, and this year has been rewarding and fulfilling in all the life experiences I have had, and I daresay I would not trade it for anything else. Admittedly, the Christian walk is never easy or a bed of roses, but at the end of it all, in retrospect, I realise I have gleaned much from the lessons learned, so I am glad for that.

Life is kind of a like a deck of cards. This is not exactly edifying, I know, but I am drawing on the analogy that a deck of cards always get shuffled. And with the shuffling, comes chances and opportunities, sometimes good and at other times, missed. Whether we do the shuffling ourselves (as we are wont to at times) or let Him do it, there are always valuable lessons that inevitably enrich our lives. That, I believe, is the essence of leading a rewarding and enriching life as our experiences mould and shape us into who we are and become.

Choices - We Live with what we choose

2005-01-24T11:50:00.000+08:00

Ok, here I am, at home on a Monday morning blogging. Experienced a severe stomach acid build up culminating in some diagnosed form of heartburn, so am on MC today. Going to hit the sack after posting this entry to rest.

Was talking to a friend (J) last night, and some of the issues we talked about got me somewhat disappointed with the way things were handled. Sometimes, I really wonder, 8 whole years of friendship....all the thick and thin we've been through together, and yet J would not take the initiative to tell me the issues he's facing, unless I prod him. Guess it's not his nature to be forthcoming and forthright. Yet, more often than not, I find myself weary of having to prod. Although I was not angry, try as I might, I could not mask the acute disappointment in my voice.

I prayed it through and I daresay I am ok now. I cannot keep helping him, so I've reconciled myself to that. My own strength is limited. My pastor and another church sister did mention I am taking on too many burdens, burdens that aren't mine to shoulder. At that time, I dismissed it as J was facing a major huddle. But now that I ruminate and chew on it, I have come to realise they are right after all. By taking on burdens that aren't mine to shoulder, this has really sapped me of my strength. Yet, sometimes, I am wont to muse, aren't friends supposed to do this and be the pillar of support? In retrospect, I have been the pillar of support once too often. Sometimes, it might really be better to let him trip and fall, and learn on his own, rather than trying to shield your own good friend. In context, this does not really aid in his maturity.

I have come to this realisation and it has 'liberated' me in many ways, so I am totally cool with it. It has always been said that life is always about making choices.Whatever choices we decide on, it's really up to us to suffer the consequences and repercussions of the choice made. In any case, I know one thing for certain. In Him I trust, and as long as God is in the core of my life, I will be able to walk through my choices with Him. Blind faith? Maybe. But sometimes, amidst the scheme of things in this chaotic world, He is the one pillar of support that is always unwavering and can always be counted on. I seek comfort in that, at the end of it all, I will have walked through an enriching life by virtue of the fact that I walk with Him, and whatever choices I make, He is there for me. Somehow, this makes life a whole lot easier, no?

A New Beginning??

2005-01-23T21:50:00.000+08:00

And so it goes....that was the sermon theme at last evening's service. The sermon was good, but what caught me was the intended theme for the sermons in February collectively titled "The Lord of the Rings". Pretty intriguing to see what the series of sermons contain, and frankly rather apt, if I may add. The title is about the sanctity of marriage and all, and I daresay I am hoping it'll shed some light into singlehood.

What with Valentine's Day around the corner, and Chinese New Year looming, it all exacerbates the dread of being bombarded left, right and centre by people with the question of "When are you going attached?" or "When are you bringing your girlfriend around?". Bummer, I say.

Throughout much of my pursuit of the academic gauntlet, I had remained steadfastly fixated on getting that coveted piece of paper, and the area of BGR had been cast aside for fear of unneeded distractions. Be it right or wrong to deny myself my feelings, now that I've grown older, such issues do revisit and make me wonder. Hence, I suppose it'll be a good series of sermons to attend and see what fresh perspectives I can derive from there, and hopefully throw a light into the tunnel I am in - a conundrum as there is someone I fancy (let's call her A) but due to differing spiritual practices adopted by our respective churches, it's a rather tricky manoeuvre. I have chosen to commit it to the Higher Power above, to let go and let Him.

On another note, I had a good time chilling out with B, M and L today.Watched Elektra and it was a letdown, storyline wise. Action sequences were good (and that's a misnomer considering it was helmed by the same guys who did X-Men) but that's about it. As for the lengthy biopic Aviator, it was kind of draggy for my liking, and I totally cannot fathom out my dissatisfaction with the ending. So all in, a disappointing day in terms of movies, but hey, the great company more than made up for it. One of life's simple pleasures - to have a blast in the company of great friends. I totally second that, but sometimes I wonder........How will the status quo change when we get attached one after another (assuming I do as well) and drop off like flies???

Hmmmm..........

Foreword....

2005-01-22T22:45:00.000+08:00

Hmmm, I was inspired to set up a blog courtesy of some close friends of mine in church. For the longest time ever, I've resisted the idea of doing a blog, but was eventually won around when I figured it could be a good 'chronicler' of thoughts and issues, so there.

At the 'belated' threshold of a new year (22 days into 2005), I find myself starting to veer into what I would term 'wanderlust' in my context. Comfortably ensconced in a pretty good job in an investment bank, many a times I would find myself in a zombified state of mind, day in and day out. Not so much per se to do with the job nature though. Perhaps I have become too entrenched in my comfort zone, that it has reached a point of monotony, with life in general.

Dangerous as it sounds, I've been entertaining thoughts of packing up everything, and buying the next air ticket to Melbourne, where I had studied previously, and starting all over from there. Admittedly, it's a tempting idea but I guess I am rooted to my families - both biological and spiritual. So such 'wanderlust' should desist, halt etc.

Restlessness is a state of mind that can be tapped into for good or bad, and I am learning how to tap into it for good, and not just succumb to it and go where the heart desires. Learning responsibility is a way of growth, I guess....